Tomorrow happens to be Valentine, as in Valentine's Day. 

A day that has been converted to be for lovers, as someone who is single and has been awfully single all her life and has not celebrated Valentine's in the last three years!!! Three big years best believe I'm angry, sad, and embittered. I'm serious this is not banter. How many people do you know that have been single all their life? Exactly I'm a rare species, an angry one but a rare one nevertheless. 

I have signed up for the Aww gang, not like I have a choice, I have to be happy for all of you who have found a kind and meaningful connection enough to celebrate it on the 14th of February right? 

So that's what I'm going to do be happy for the lovers.

 Did I just say signed up like I have not been a member for three good years, well that's beside the point cause I'm really here for the entertainment. You know that heart-throbbing moment that you see and without knowing it, a smile cuts across your face, the moments that you stare at your phone a little too much while whispering "God when". We have all had those moments that's what I want to see tomorrow. Heartfelt happiness and warmth, are all I want to see tomorrow, I'm definitely not asking for too much, am l?

So here are some lead-down rules for all lovers to follow (strictly)

1. Please as tomorrow Valentine's put effort into gifting your partner.

Put intentions into it too, I want to look at the gifts and scream "God when" I want to gush and maybe shed some tears. That will not be achieved if you stick to mediocre, and boring gifts. And I know most of you are already saying "You're not the receiver" and to that, I say I will not load data with my money to watch you people and I will be seeing nonsense on obasanjo's internet, that will not be allowed.

2. Also no plastic flowers, real flowers, or nothing.

Are real lovers dead? Who brought this culture of gifting plastic flowers for Christ's sake? 

"Do you know how much real flowers cost? They cost an arm and a leg" But do you know how much real love cost? Is it quantifiable by money or cash? Answer me now or forever remain silent. 

3. Valentine's Day is not a day to soft launch brethren.

It is not the day to post just his nose or ears or that washed-out fake van Cleef on his wrist please I am begging at this point. if you know your man is invisible, as in he is unknown or wanted somewhere, that is why you cannot show his face. Don't bother posting please, hide him, keep him to yourself. don't post him and block his face. I will not tolerate such. we will not tolerate such, Be proud of your partner show us their faces, and let us see what you go home to. Or hide him and post only the gifts that are still cute.

4. if you identify as I do, a "valless" person, do not be too sad, you can choose to celebrate yourself, with a little bit of this and that, I completely understand given the fact that I share a shoe with you. 

If you plan your surprise by yourself which is not wrong(purr) I beg you in the name of the God I serve, learn your script properly, connect with the character, and practice your smiles and lines, I and everyone watching should no think "oh she's definitely acting" it becomes cringe and unbearable. I'll not be tolerating mid-acting.. please, act properly or only post pictures of yourself with the gifts. 

5. Why is your trumpet so loud? Are you mad? Why can I hear your trumpet from my room? You don't know the apartment of your partner? Or did you miss the road? Even worse making that aggravating sound when the day has barely broken? Count your days, watch your back, you and that 5'7 man of yours. You both will get what is coming for you. Your trumpet nonsense should not wake me up I'm a very strict, embittered, and single woman.

To be forewarned it's to be forearmed.

6. You bought a gift for a situationship ke??

Someone who is not yours, someone who has not claimed you yet. I don't take you seriously therefore this conversation is ended, we should have never been having it in the first place. Next time gift yourself shame too.

7. Why are you in bed with your lover and there is ash on your forehead? Were you not told that you're not supposed to take meat of any kind on Ash Wednesday?

So if there is ash on your forehead tomorrow, please don't end the night with your lover on your side in bed, on the chair, or on any surface comfortable enough to sin, for all I have listed above are sins against men but this is a sin against God. 

Happy Valentine to all of us...kisses 😘