I clutch my blanket with the little strength I can muster, my are eyes shut tight as well, and I would also close my ears if I could. I don’t want to hear what anyone has to say to my face or behind my back.I have been reflecting a lot lately; it is quite draining emotionally and mentally. My mind only wanders to my life choices these days. It may have something to do with my end approaching. I think about why I did the things I did and what would’ve been different if I had made different choices at some key points in my life.

One thing I ponder on lately is Sarah. I find my mind wandering to her a lot. If anyone would’ve taken the title of the love of my twisted life, it would’ve been her. I wonder if she still looks the same,if she still has long silky brown hair, if she cut her hair like she talked about all those years ago, if she still smiles the same way. From what I remember, she looked like an angel. It has been 20 years since I saw her.She had been 21 while I had been 25. I still remember the last words she said to me, it’s as clear as crystal in my memory. I haven’t gotten over them yet. I’ll never get over it. “You’ll regret this,” those were the words she said before walking away from me forever.I don’t think I regret anything as much as I regret letting her leave that day. I should’ve fought for her, I should’ve gone to her house to beg, but my enormous ego would not let me. I like to believe I let her go because of how dangerous I was becoming.

Another thing I deeply regret is my mother. She was a saint- to me at least. I should’ve looked for her, with all the power and money I had and still have it would’ve been a piece of cake. It is too late, there is no use looking for her,I could sleep and not wake up any moment from now. The last time I saw my mom, she was also teary eyed. I seem to leave everyone I meet in tears. That day, I remember planning a camping trip. It was going to be just the two of us. My dad wasn’t supposed to know he was abusive. It was going to be our little get away from him. The night before we left, he said some mean things my hot temper couldn’t handle, and I spilled the beans. I recall freezing the moment it left my mouth. Of course my dad didn’t spare me,he beat the leaving hell out of me—he almost killed me that night. Luckily, my mom intervened.

“Run away! Run away!” she yelled that night, urgency in her voice. She had just hit my dad on the head with a vase and he was recovering fast. I left her that night.I ran till I was sure he would never find me, but I left an important part of me behind. My sweet mom. After that day, I thought about her a lot, but with time I made myself stop. Right now, I relive that moment by thinking of her. My mind isn’t obeying my brain anymore.The only good thing about this moment is that I remember her face. I forgot how she looks like 15 years ago.

“Cough cough” I choke out while wheezing, the oxygen not doing much to help my labored breathing. “Are you okay?” Hilda asks, she’s my personal nurse.Of course not! I want to say, but I don’t. “Y-yes…” I try to say with a smile, but I cough more. “I’ll go get the doctor” she declares and leaves almost immediately. She doesn’t notice my weak attempt at stopping her. There’s no use, they can do nothing to save me.I turn my head to the left, intensifying my headache. I want to see the setting sun. This could be the last time I see it. The doctor believes my end is nearer than it seems.

Unfortunately, the sunset reminds me of Cal, my supposed best friend. He is my greatest sin. He’s the only person I’ve ever regretted killing. I believe he is the ultimate reason I will die alone with my conscience as my only companion. I not only betrayed him, I shot him to his death. His death paved the way to my success. He wasn’t teary eyed when I looked at him for the last time his silver eyes were cold and he had a smirk on his face. It was like he saw this moment before I did. I still see his face; I sleep with it and wake with it. Sometimes, his face also plagues my daydreams. His bloodied face reminds me of my cruelty and how far I am willing to go for power. it reminds me I deserve to suffer.

I turn back from the setting sun; I don’t deserve to see something that beautiful. I hear footsteps; its Hilda and probably Doctor Francis, so I force my eyes close again, pretending to be asleep. It has always been their soft spot.“He’s asleep” I hear Hilda mutter to Doctor Francis, who is busy making sure the machines are connected properly. “It’s a good thing, he’s never asleep” I hear him say as they retreat. Dr Francis is right, I only sleep when it’s induced but they stopped doing that.“Ugh” I grunt as I shift a little. I feel sore. I open my eyes one last time and look around, I feel like I may see nothing again and I hope I’m right.

“Good night!” I whisper to myself before shutting my eyes again.

I don’t plan on ever opening them. I always felt dying in my sleep would be cool.

THE END!