1. You keep the terms of endearment. They tease out the venom in your voice, the pain in what you’re expressing. And not baby, not darling, no. The term of endearment that was coined from a million conversations of knowing someone. Why when I think of the day I want to tell you how much you hurt me, I start by calling you “Senior” so that you know in the corner of my heart, if you want to come back, that word is your key, it’s the light tower that will guide you back into my heart, this dark place empty without the light you once gave to me. Senior.
2. You explain what created the fault lines with your share of blame. Like a joke that loses humour when you try to explain it, the hurt becomes less potent as you make your little analysis. You say that you understand where they were coming from, even though they didn’t come from a place that had you in its line of vision. How can I know where they came from, I was not there. You were never there. But you don’t say that about a person who hurt you whose love you still love. You know where they came from because if you were coming from the same place, they would be your destination.
3. You use their words. These words, the vocabulary you built in the intimacy of your interactions that have become redundant since you last spoke, you speak them and hope that they breathe life again into what you had. Do they remember? What is it you cannot say without thinking about them? The words are weighed down on your tongue, speak with them. They carry new meaning that transcends the words itself. They are now an entire story from the first day you decided that word belonged to you two and the multiple times it manifested. Spinster. Senior. Friend. Especially Friend.
4. You leave room for doubt. All of the benefits. Like a person could be overwhelmed, could be scared, could make mistakes and realise that they made a mistake. How long does a thing last for it to acquire the status of permanence? How long before what I hope is a mistake makes me see it as a well thought out decision? How many times can I call a thing with a new name that it may change its meaning?
5. You add “lol” just like that. In small fonts, like how you want to keep your feelings- small. You don’t want to seem like you’re overreacting to the entire situation even though it set your entire heart on fire, and dashed the image of a future you had created. But keep it small, so that if you were to layer on each other’s feelings over the other, yours does not obstruct the view of theirs. I will still see behind my tear stained sheets that you made a good a call. I may just lie to myself that a good call is what lies underneath my tear stained sheet.

Hi Senior. I understand everything happened so fast with how we became friends and your point about taking it slow. I mean, it made me sad like you don’t value the relationship the way that I do. But it’s okay. lol.