“You may judge me, but you have no idea what it feels like to be me. I live in a world where ‘need’ is tangible and can be recharged,” Sam muttered to himself, staring at the dark walls of his holding cell. “I didn’t mean to hurt Sarah nau, how could I? I love Sarah.” 

He paused for a moment, as if trying to convince himself, then added, “I just… I had to have this. Or else I would’ve gone crazy. I’m sorry.” As he whispered the last part of his sentence, his mind wandered back to the life he knew outside the confines of those walls.

#

In the year 2042, the world had perfected the distribution of Needs to curb hunger, overpopulation, and economic stagnation. Every month, nine essential Needs were dispensed to those who had a partner: food, clothing, money, shelter, electricity, medical care, education, transportation, and communication. These Needs were to be recharged monthly by the government for the basic survival of citizens. Anything else outside of these was deemed extravagant.  

Rules following these Needs included—Anyone 18 years and above who had no partner was entitled to five Needs. If you had a partner, you were both entitled to ten Needs and had to sign off on each Need before it was released. To switch out an essential Need for one categorized as a luxury, both partners also had to agree and sign off on it. 

For communication, a device called “Watchcads” was distributed and its subscription had to be renewed monthly by the government. Just like it, shelter, electricity, transportation, and education had to be renewed as well. For food, money, and clothing, a very small amount that barely covered the entire month was given. The only Need some families often switched out was medical care. In months when they had leftover ‘Ruilon’—a painkiller that had been invented to work for basically all minor ailments, most families replaced medicine with one of the luxuries. 

Even though they wished every time they stood in the queue to renew their Needs that it was, this wasn’t the case for Sam and his wife Chika. They had Sarah, their 5-year-old daughter who suffered from severe asthma. This meant she required her monthly supply of inhalers and medication to prevent any form of an attack that could lead to respiratory failure and worse, death. For this reason, medical care was a non-negotiable Need for them to receive every month.

It was Need Renewal Day in two days, and this time, Sam had other plans for what their ninth Need would be. He bought flowers for Chika and arranged a cute picnic date on their veranda to bring up the topic, hoping to convince Chika to change their ninth Need to one of the luxuries they hadn't had in a long time.

“Oh my God, babe, this is beautiful!” Chika said, grabbing the flowers on a tiny chair in the veranda and making her way to the floor where the picnic basket was.

“We've been through so much. We deserved time for each other and I thought this might be a great way to remember what it feels like to be together,” he added that last part staring longingly at Chika, and pressed a button on his Watchcad to project a letter he had written yesterday about changing one of the Needs.

Chika's wide smile faded gradually as she read and digested the content of the letter. She quietly picked up her flowers and two apples from the picnic basket, then stood up to leave, “I'm disappointed in you," was all she said before asking her Watchcad to open the veranda doors for her to pass through. 

Sam immediately got up and chased after her. “Chika, babe, it's been over a year and I miss you,” he called out, sucking in a deep breath and summoning all the courage in him not to touch her.

“Can you hear yourself?!” she screamed. “Have you gone mad? You want us to forfeit medical care for human touch, eh? Okay, what will happen to Sarah if she has an attack? My goodness, Samuel, how can you be so selfish?”

“Chika, Sarah is getting better and you know it,” he replied. “The doctor even said it. Maybe we shouldn't get as many inhalers or drugs this month. They'll take it away if she doesn't use it all anyway, just so that we can renew.”

“Sarah is getting better?” she asked with a devilish stare. “Sam, I know you're horny, but goodness gracious, get a grip! Do you realize no medical care means zero access to any medical personnel whatsoever? No doctor! Like, our daughter could die.”

"You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking,” Sam said, his face looking truly apologetic, before he added, “What about education?”

Chika hissed and quickly responded, “If Sarah misses school for a month, she can't go back. They say you can switch out the Needs, but in truth, they make it near impossible.”

“Fine, communication then,” he suggested. “We turn in our Watchcads or we don't go to work for a month and skip transportation or something! We have to do something. I miss you, Chika! I want to touch you, I want to feel your body against mine, I want… I need this.”

He exhaled, “I'm going crazy. Chika, please.”

“We can't turn in our Watchcads. It controls everything. We can't skip work and you know this. I'm human too and I am sacrificing just as much as you are. You should cool off, Sam. I'm going to work. We'll talk about this when I'm home,” she said as she grabbed her bag to leave.

Once Sam was sure she was gone, he barged into their room, asking his Watchcad to scan the environment and find the physical Need Renewal document since his wife used to keep it. He sure as hell wasn't “cooling off” nor was he wasting any more time. “Since you don't understand, then I'm sorry Chika. I'll be taking matters into my own hands from here on out,” he whispered to himself.

When he found the documents, he spent over two hours perfecting his wife's signature and stormed out when he was sure he had. He had planned this a week before today. He knew her signature wouldn't be enough to convince the government station guards that she was in on switching Needs so he had video evidence as well. Over the weeks that had passed, he instructed his Watchcad to chop up and put together a video of her saying “I consent to switching medical care for human touch. I miss Samuel so much and Sarah is getting better. The doctor told us this. I also would like to request we have our Need earlier as we both would be absent on Need Renewal Day ,” this was the major reason he planned the picnic and instigated the fight, to get her to say the words that were left—Sarah is getting better.

As he expected, he was asked for video evidence at the station, and once he presented it with the signed documents, nine Needs were signed off for his family. Human touch was replacing medical care for the month. 

With a cunning smile spread across his face, he ran off immediately, dialing his colleague Rebecca’s Watchcad, asking her to meet him at the work shaft—a big empty room at their company where they usually saw each other. They had planned to meet once he had gotten a sign-off for human touch. “You know, the crazy thing about human touch is, you can use it however you want for the entire month. It doesn't have to be Chika.” Rebecca had whispered in his ear last month, asking him to watch while she stripped before convincing him that medical care was the easiest thing to switch out since they still got to keep Ruilon. “I'm sure Ruilon can handle any slight thing that might happen to Sarah. It's just one month, she'll be fine,” she had added before taking off her last piece of clothing, Sam's eyes hungrily roaming her entire body.

That evening, Chika came home from work to find Sarah in her room, shaking uncontrollably, her breath hitching at intervals. 

“Jesus, Sarah, what is it!” She screamed, running into Sarah's room and searching frantically for her inhaler. As soon as she found one, she realized that it was the last one in her drawer of inhalers. She quickly used it on Sarah to calm her but then continued searching for her drugs when she realized Sarah's breathing still hadn't completely returned to normal.

She called Dr. Caleb, who got there as fast as he could, then she pulled out the documents for Need renewal as she continued trying to contact Sam. Her Watchcad kept returning a zero signal after scanning for Sam, almost like he had turned his off.

“Still can't find him?” Dr. Caleb asked 

“I can't,” she replied despondently.

“Sarah has to take these drugs like right now. I think we should drive down to the renewal station first and talk to your friend, the one who's a guard. Maybe she can help.”

“You're right, maybe she can issue the new renewal and Sarah can take the drugs there while we wait for Sam to come sign off,” she thought about it for another minute then added, “That's not a bad plan. Please help me move her to the car.”

After twenty minutes of Chika scanning the entire state for Sam's Watchcad while driving the fastest she ever had, they finally got to the government station. As soon as they passed the first stand, she caught sight of her friend and ran speedily to her stand, instructing Dr. Caleb to come along with Sarah.

“Nnena, thank God I met you here. you have to help me. Sarah needs her drugs and Sam isn't here,” Chika pleaded, “ His Watchcad isn't reachable. We can wait for him till he gets here, but you have to help me issue the Need of medical care. Sarah has to take her drugs, please.” Chika continued pleading, tears streaming down her face with every word, as she held her daughter close.

“Chika calm down. I don't understand what you mean,” Nnena replied, truly looking worried and confused.

As soon as Nnena understood what was going on, she explained to Chika how Sam came by to collect new Needs. She told her he had changed medical care and that he was holding a document signed off with both their signatures and video evidence to reference her consent.

“Oh my goodness! Samuel you heartless man,” Chika screamed out of her voice, “What did that bastard get?” She demanded, her voice trembling with anger.

“Human touch,” Nnena replied softly.

“Nnena, my daughter may die. Sarah will die if she doesn’t have her drugs this month. I beg you, I’ll work twice as hard, I’ll pay it back, I’ll do anything they want, please. You have to help me, please”

Nnena, tears filling up her own eyes, shook her head. “Chika, I wish I could help, but I can’t give out more than the allocated Needs. I’ll be terminated on the spot if they find out,” She whispered before adding, “I thought Sarah got better; I thought that was why Sam wanted another Need instead of medical care this month. I'm sorry Chika, I don't know how to help you.”

With a broken voice, Chika declared, “I’m calling for arrest and castration.”

“Chika, we both know you need a signature from Sam too for that to happen,” Nnena cautioned.

“Not if he's the one under arrest. Not if he forged my signature!”

“Arrest and castration is a huge deal. You don't have evidence of him forging your signature, and he has a video of you consenting to switch the Needs. That can't be your case at all.”  

“Nnena, if my daughter might die, then he has to pay. Please, do this for me. Find that son of a bitch and take him in.”

“I want to Chika, but we're going to have to find something more for arrest and castration or else it won't work. My superiors will ask—on what grounds?”

On hearing this, Chika began searching the ground frantically, her eyes glistening red from fresh tears. She immediately spotted a broken glass not too far away and her cheeks unconsciously rose in a twisted smile.

“On the grounds that he tried to kill me,” she said, raising her dress to reveal flesh on her thighs and piercing her skin, cutting herself with the broken glass. 

“I can work with that. Also, it gives me time to find whoever he's sleeping with, proof that he wants to take you out and replace you,” Nnena said sternly before adding ”I’m so sorry Chika.”

Chika nodded and walked away slowly, clutching her bloody thigh with the thick cloth Nnena had given her, looking devoid of life.

Dr. Caleb followed behind her, carrying a heavily breathing Sarah and singing soft songs to her. In between his songs, he whispered, “Don't worry little one, I might know a guy that can help you and mummy,” slowly tapping her back.

#

The events of that day had replayed in Sam’s mind as he sat in his cell, his eyes darting back and forth, brimming red from fresh tears. 

“Yes I know. I know I gambled with my daughter’s life for a tiny moment of intimacy. I know it was stupid, I mean, clearly, I lost everything. I know I'm a bad person,” he mumbled softly to himself.

As the door to his cell opened and the guards approached, he continued whispering to himself, “You may judge me, but you have no idea what it feels like to be me.”