Dear diary,

It’s Alexia again. How does it feel when you want to do something and you’re hindered from doing so? I’m certainly not doing well. I had someone ask how my mental health is doing and well, it’s not so fine. I’m smiling on the outside and a very chaotic commotion is going on in my head. Are desires and wishes not changed when you don’t want to fulfill the old ones? Dreams change and newer ones are built. It’s scary how society figures your life for you and when you do decide on making your own life plans, they call it being disrespectful and not following “culture” or even “norms”. I’m tired and sometimes I feel drained. Needing people to talk to sometimes and having to hold back so I don’t fall into the wrong hands. Life has its ups and downs and I’m sure this is one of those down moments. I need a fresher air, a better enlightenment, newer patterns. I need to break the ignorance but I can’t because I’m meant to follow a path I don’t want to be part of. Is life easy?

I’ll leave that question for you my dear to answer. Would it get better? Certainly, it would but in the main time, I need to get my soul, body and mind together because they have been drifted apart. Working in different directions. 

“Alexia, Alexia” I heard someone speak and I didn’t know it was directed at me. My mind was racing. Racing with thoughts on how I could salvage myself from my enemy. My enemy? Yes, my enemy! I’m Alexia I can do this I keep telling myself. But self-doubt, self-doubt- the fear of making mistakes. Keeps me down. Society shouldn’t have a say when it concerns my life. I do wish I can make my own choices without having to inquire of anyone. Mistakes should be made to give room for improvement. But then, this constant fear of making a mistake keeps me at heads up!

If I had the chance, I would relive my life. Amending all the mistakes on my path to where I am now but if I do so, what would make my living interesting? Right now, my push comes from already made mistakes. How do I mean? I’ve made a speech mistake and I’m learning about the speech mistake so they next time I have to be called upon to speak, I’ll go fluently. My head’s whirling but I’m sure everything will be alright. 

Hey you, do what makes you happy but don’t forget some mistakes are inevitable and are meant to better you.

Alexia.