2024 was a year of many losses for me. Insurmountable ones, unexpected tragedies. The type that your bad memory might suggest forgetting as a form of self preservation. But you never forget it because it has settled into your body, wedged deep inside your core. Rattling at very inconvenient times and dragging you down with its heaviness. I fear my posture will only get worse and my mother hates it, but it’s just too heavy for me. I don’t think I can handle unpacking the events of last year in any semblance of order, so I did away with writing an end of the year essay. If I had even attempted one, I imagine it would’ve hurt my psyche more and the rattling would’ve resumed, leaving me feeling heavier than usual. This is doing the same thing, but I hope to carry on.

Since I was 16, I worked for Pencilmarks and Scribbles magazine. I’ve done a lot of work, out of necessity for as long as I could remember. I just don’t want to starve, I just don’t want to think. None of them have ever particularly been in alignment with the complex and incomplete concept of what I want in life except for the pub. I was bright eyed and very unsure but my employer, Clara, took a chance on me. One which I’m very grateful for. I was opened to a new perception, in fact multiple perceptions of reality through the works I had the privilege of editing in the past 3 years. 

As a writer myself, I thought what we did was very amazing and important work and I still do. I loved the art of storytelling and got to appreciate the artistic process more intimately. There were times where I didn’t feel like I stayed inspired enough to curate for our publication. But those would quickly be forgotten when my faith in literature would be restored by a poem, or a flash fiction piece or a short story submitted to the website. They always inspired me. All voices of African authors. It was a deep delight to put our stories out there, to immortalize them by archiving them and by birthing the future of African storytelling. It was an extreme honor to work for Pencilmarks and Scribbles. I could go on and on about the lessons I learnt on this journey. 

If you’d asked me what I did for work last year I would’ve most likely gotten into a long discussion of the pub with a bright smile on my face. My creative mind flourished in the pub. Clara and I were always in sync. It felt divinely aligned and it interpreted into our work. My team of very beautiful women- I might add- and I put out papers we were proud of working on. The ND papers which was a research project on neurodivergence and the way of living of neurodivergent individuals, is one of my favorites. I especially loved our end of the year, holiday themed chap books. During my time at the pub we’ve published over 3 magazine issues and housed over 200 submissions. I would say my favorite print is a joint anthology following our writer’s workshop in collaboration with the good people of Iko Africa “There are Cathedrals” (read here https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bO6sM3bYp5a4qmmx2PDskDkLEdg_W087/view?usp=drivesdk) it is filled with excellent, rich words that restore your love for life. I remember when I joined vividly and just how much impact we made during that time till now. With my addition as the social media manager for a self funded pub, I did a great amount of things (haha) and eventually graduated to becoming the Editor, leading me to find my life’s passion. I hope to continue to contribute to the fabric of existence with my own art and the art I help create. 

Although the magazine and online publication will be shutting down indefinitely, I am grateful for the opportunity to be involved with something very important and meaningful. I have learnt the intangible value of intentionality, with one’s creativity, artistic expression and pursuits. It is what makes you who you are. And staying true to the process is a way of honoring your higher self as a creative. 

While I’m very heartbroken about this ending, I’m hopeful for better opportunities and excited to start again with a fresher, more grounding outlook towards my career and who I want to be as a person. I hope to find gainful employment that will pay me very satisfactorily to do what I love doing. I pray opportunities that allow me create magic find me and I am open to such possibilities (send me a mail timileyinakinsanya13@gmail.com) . So keep me in your thoughts and prayers during this unemployed era, also mention my name in potential situations and finally, send me money. All my love till I write again, 

Timileyin Akinsanya (she/her)

Editor,

Pencilmarks and Scribbles Magazine.