I had always desired to preserve sexual purity, but the world got the best of me.

My childhood was a bit boring but eventful. Boring because even though my parents were not pastors, I and my siblings attended all the church programs and were made to adhere strictly to the church rules—no worldly songs, no fancy haircuts, no social activities, no casual dressing, and a host of other long rules. Despite the intensity of the rules and my feeling of deprivation, I think my sisters had it worse.

Gradually, with my active participation in church activities, I began to grow in the fear of the Lord. I read the holy book with a certain yearning I could not explain. The preachers at the teenagers’ church encouraged us to have a burning fire for the Lord. I saw their zeal and hoped that I could someday attain the kind of grace and power they exuded, and so I started chewing on the word day and night—I saw positive changes.

Although I was still in secondary school, three times a week, I gathered together with the brethren to pray and seek the face of the Almighty. I had never seen my parents as supportive as they were at that point in my life. They sometimes dropped me off and picked me up from prayer meetings and were eager to grant my requests because I was doing what they wanted. I no longer struggled with keeping all the rules because I knew all of those things for myself. In fact, I started coaching younger kids on the importance of doing the will of God in the best way I knew it. To be honest, I felt a deeper sense of fulfilment working in the vineyard of the Lord, but I must confess that sometimes, I felt superior to my peers who were not working by kingdom principles.

If my story was solely about my walk with the divine, I would have been happier. Unfortunately, it is about my walk against the divine.

Just before I entered the university, my parents came up with what they thought was a grand plan to give my siblings and I some form of exposure and have us learn other skills in a new environment since we had been at home with them since we were born. So, they shipped us to three different relatives. I was sent to Makurdi to spend some time with my dad’s elder sister’s family. According to my dad, he trusted that I was more mature in mind than my siblings; that was why he decided to send me to the farthest relative. My sisters were sent to Ibadan and Port Harcourt, respectively—theirs seemed like a better deal.

The days leading up to the trip were hard. It was my first time leaving home; I began to have anxiety pangs thinking of the new place I had never been to. I couldn’t even form a mental picture of what to expect. Anyways, the D-day came, and as my parents dropped me at the bus park, I felt my stomach churn. It was 8 hours of forest green and dusty roads, with the only positive aspect being the drama between other passengers and the fact that for the first time in my life I had a substantial amount of money to buy whatever I wanted along the road.

I arrived in Makurdi at 7 p.m.; my aunt was already waiting for me. It was a bit awkward because it was the first time we met in person, but I greeted her as she led me to her Toyota Venza car. In no time we were at her house—she had quite a large compound. Looking out the window, I could see her three daughters wearing three different expressions. One looked like she was disgusted, the other had a spark in her eyes, and the last had an indifferent look but also seemed a bit curious.

“Won’t you girls come and help with these things? Why are you standing like you haven’t seen a human before?” their mother shouted as she stepped out of the driver’s seat.

The girls scampered towards the car trunk to bring out my suitcase without saying a word to me. I clutched unto my Revised Standard Version Bible, which I had read at intervals during the journey while my aunt led the way into the house.

After taking a shower and having a meal, my aunt outlined the daily routine of the house and the things I would be doing. She stressed that morning and evening devotions were compulsory and there were consequences if one was still in bed when the 5 a.m. morning devotion started. I was pleased because I initially had concerns about maintaining my zeal for the things of the Lord.

The first few weeks were not bad. My cousins warmed up to me; in fact, they called me anytime they had some difficulty performing one house chore or the other; that made me feel useful and valuable. After two weeks, I asked my aunt if I could join a unit in her church since I noticed Pearl, her eldest daughter, usually went for choir practice on Saturday evenings. I wanted to have something that would take me out of the house, but the real reason was that I was beginning to feel like the fire within me had reduced… talk about forsaking the gathering of the brethren.

My aunt agreed with the condition that I go at the same time Pearl was going and return with her. I could have done a backflip with this news, but Pearl didn’t seem pleased with the arrangement. She was three years older than me and in university. She was only home because there was a strike action by the Universities Academic Union. She didn’t seem to like me much, but I was hoping that we would be able to get along while going to church together, plus I needed some insight on university life.

For the first couple of church going, we didn’t talk much, but on the third visit, she asked me to go ahead of her as she had something she wanted to take care of before getting to church. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but as time passed, I realised that she was using choir practice as an avenue to leave the house and have some freedom. I thought of the best course of action to take—should I report to her mom, should I blackmail her, or do I preach to her and win her soul?

Although the thought of blackmailing her seemed juicy, my conscience wouldn’t let me. I decided to preach to and advise her on her behaviour when we were returning from church one Saturday, and to my surprise, she was very receptive. She smiled all through, thanked me, and assured me that she would turn over a new leaf. I glorified the Lord. Who would have thought that I would start soul winning from home?

That episode made us quite close. She told me she would like to build her relationship with the almighty, so I gladly offered to help her become a better person. She would come to my room at 11 p.m. after the lights-out because we already had a lineup of activities to handle in the daytime. She also said it was a private experience and didn’t want her sisters to mock her when they saw she was taking the things of the Lord to another level. I didn’t have a problem with that.

In our sessions we would pray, discuss scripture, and encourage each other in the Lord.

One Friday night after our usual sessions, I said my prayers and fell asleep, but like an hour later I felt some weight around me. Impulsively, I began to speak in tongues because I was almost certain this was a case of principalities and powers. I had heard many testimonies of people who wrestled with contrary spirits and claimed victory; I too wanted that victory.

I had wrestled for roughly twenty minutes and was now all sweaty. A part of my mind wondered for how long I was going to tackle these unforeseen spirits, but I decided to persevere. Then I felt a funny sensation around my lower body, which sent shots up my brain. I felt dizzy and energetic at the same time, finding my body writhing pleasurably. What was going on? I tried to ask myself. I had to force my eyes open because it was as though I was losing my breath, and what I saw shocked me.

“Wh..a.aa..tt Wha..a.aa..tt are…” I tried to say something, but the words wouldn’t come out.

I shut my eyes tightly to block out what I saw, hoping by some miracle that I was dreaming. Was I being raped?

Pearl let out a soft moan and collapsed onto my chest—she was stark naked.

At this point I didn’t know what to think. When did she get into my room, take off my pyjama trousers, and get on top of me without me noticing? What was that thing I felt? Oh, my goodness! Had I just been involved in the sin of the flesh? My heartbeat was about to burst my chest open; I guess that was what jolted Pearl from her little nap.

“What have you done, Pearl?” I asked, almost in tears.

She smiled at me for a few seconds, got off me, and threw on her robe.

“Shake it off, David. Stop acting like you didn’t enjoy it. I saw how googly your eyes were.”

“What are you talking about, Pearl? We just committed a grievous sin. I thought you wanted to make heaven. Why have you dragged me into this sinful way?”

Pearl stood still and continued to smile.

“Well, David, don’t be so naïve. What do you think happens behind closed doors after some of those church meetings?”

“Blasphemy! Pearl, even if you want to commit a sin, do it alone and don’t drag other people into your mess. What did I ever do to you to deserve this? My only crime was trying to lead you to Christ.”

“David, David, you want to tell me you didn’t notice that I like you a lot. I have liked you since the first day I set my eyes on you. I secretly fantasized about a day like this, but not in the same way it happened, though. You were just too uptight, giving brother-in-the Lord vibes. If you had been more open, maybe it would have been more pleasurable.”

“Your mother needs to know what an immoral child you are. To say that she has been allowing you to go for choir practice because she is happy that you are doing the work of the Lord, not knowing you are a wolf in sheep's clothing.”

“You wouldn’t dare, David. No one would believe you. You have forgotten that I am a girl. It is normal for a boy to rape a girl and not the other way round, so no one will believe you. I don’t know why you are even stressing yourself; you enjoyed it. I’ll tell you what: why don’t we keep this hush-hush and continue enjoying ourselves?

“I rebuke you in the name of Jesus, you Jezebel.”

Pearl laughed out loud and walked out of his room.

The rest of my night was ruined; I couldn’t sleep a wink. My mind was running a marathon. What shocked me the most was that the dominant concern was not the guilt of sin but the way I felt—did I really enjoy it like Pearl had said? I relived the scene countless times, not from when I felt the weight, though just that sensation I felt. It was different. Again, did that mean I enjoyed it? Heck, I know the “forbidden fruit” was a pleasurable evil, but why was my heart still racing an hour later?

The next day, Saturday, was a mess. I was too scared to come out of my room; I couldn’t stand seeing Pearl after what happened, and I was too guilty to look my aunt and other cousins in the eye. This was incest.

And so, my bout of lies started. I had to lie that I was ill so as not to come in contact with the others, but that didn’t work well. My aunt sent the devil herself to drop off my food. Each time she came, she would run her fingers over my thigh. For some reason I felt some fear. I couldn’t even tell her to stop.

My worst fear came alive when, at past midnight, I felt the same tingle. I thought I was reliving the scenes again, but no, it was Pearl. She had her mouth all over me, and for some strange reason I could not scream. I mean, I wouldn’t have been able to scream even if I found my voice because who exactly was I going to narrate this ordeal to that wouldn’t judge or blame me? Pearl was so bold; it seemed like she had done these things a thousand times—she would definitely flip the cards against me if we got caught. And that was how my cousin molested me for an entire month. Believe me when I say I didn’t want it, but I didn’t have much of a choice.

With time, I kind of got used to it. I no longer shut my eyes tight or kept a sad face while she was doing her business. I just lay still, and a few times maybe let out a couple of soft moans.

“David, your parents called. They would like you to go back home next weekend,” my aunt said after ending the call.

I instantly experienced mixed feelings. Did my aunt suspect something? I was happy to leave Pearl’s torment, but I had also grown used to being served. Had I completely lost it? Well, I just hoped this was not based off suspicion.

By the end of the following week, I was off to my parents. Pearl dropped me a note saying I was the best thing that ever happened to her. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. It was just too much to take in, especially since I had no space to properly process all that had happened yet.

When I got back home, I stayed secluded for most of the day; my parents attributed it to the level of discipline I got from my aunt’s home—they said I was now composed and mature. My ordeal was not something I could let out easily; I also avoided the gathering of the brethren because I felt too dirty to be in their midst. Something else was off, though; for some strange reason, I felt a deep attraction for my sister. Inside of me, I battled with the thought of showing her what I was now capable of doing; I wanted to feel that sensation so badly but wasn’t sure how best to go about getting it and with whom. I fought the feeling for about two weeks, and then I could bear it no longer.

The perfect opportunity came one night when my parents went for a night vigil, leaving my siblings and I in the house. It was getting late, and my immediate younger sister decided to lie down in the living room while our last-born already went to sleep in the girls’ room. Like a thief in the night, I spent about thirty minutes peeping to ensure my siblings were sleeping deeply, and then I went over to her, and placing my left hand across her mouth, I explored her body with my free hand. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do or where to go, but I continued to run my hand up and down her frame.

 Sharon’s eyes came alive; I could see fear in them, but I had just begun to feel the strange sensation, so I paid no attention to her fear or plea. I played around trying to do some of the things I saw Pearl do, and before I knew it, my entire body jerked as if I was about to convulse, and then my full weight collapsed on Sharon.

That was the beginning of my journey to the point of no return.