Falling out of love with someone who once meant the world is something most people view as wicked and heartless because why would you be with someone for a long time and act like all is good when deep down you have the intention to leave the person hanging at your own convenient time?

Sometimes, I wonder which pain is greater: the fact that one had to endure being in a loveless situationship, the courage it took to pull out from such a predicament, or that everyone judges your actions and labels you heartless.

Let’s start with the book of Judges.

Barely 24 hours after I summoned the courage to end things with Uyi, I started receiving countless calls. When it was not his sisters, it was his friends, or my friends, then my work bestie.

“Tessy, you are our guy o. You know Uyi loves you very much. Why are you doing this to him… See, he hasn’t even been able to eat anything since yesterday.”

“Babe, is it not this same guy that bought you those lovely gifts last Valentine’s and on your birthday? Hmmm…they don’t see his type anymore o. You should hold him tight. With all these guys on X talking about how spoiling a woman is a waste, you should be grateful that you have someone who is ready and willing to go over and beyond to make you happy.”

“Tess, how can you throw away a 5-year relationship? If you could survive five years with someone, it means that whatever the issue is, it is something that you can talk about and resolve. You are being irrational by not giving room for a discussion.”

“Tessy You are cold-hearted. Does it mean all the time you and my guy spent together meant nothing? How could you dump Uyi like that? Anyways, good riddance…He was actually giving you an upgraded status, but your pride made you throw that all away. Bloody feminist!”

Oh! Lest I forget.

“I thought you were different. Look at me thinking my friend found a decent one, but no, you are just like the rest. You probably had been cheating all the time you were with him, and now you want to move camp. Shame on you, Tess.”

When did it become a crime for a woman to choose a better, more peaceful life?

Five years ago, I was naïve. My craving to be in a relationship led me to being in and accepting a situationship. Yes, it was never an actual relationship.

Uyi was a cute, charismatic guy who had a way with words. Since I was naturally drawn to people who are smart and witty, I began to like him. Not as a lover at first, but there were too many blurred lines, so I didn’t even realise when certain transitions happened. First it was just us hanging out a lot. Uyi was good at making time for people. He was always available, and that gave instant points in my books because one of my most significant love languages is quality time. Very quickly it progressed to hugs and harmless pecks, then in a question of months to deeper levels of intimacy. I didn’t really worry much about this because I thought we were on the same page, and a part of me wanted all of it, so I played along.

In my head, things seemed normal until I began to ask myself some hard questions. In truth, I myself was confused about how in just two months my life had begun to revolve around one human. Like I ignored outing requests from friends, I postponed visits to family, and I turned down a good job offer in another city. I had turned 30 and really wanted to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I wanted to be submissive and be seen to be cooperating with my man and his vision—only that I didn’t really understand his vision or mine—did I even know his vision or if a vision existed? Who even sold me the lie that I was a part of that vision?

Then the switch-up came. All of a sudden, I was stripped of all the attention and baby girl treatment. I didn’t even realise what was going on until a whole year had passed and I was doing some stocktaking on different aspects of my life. I got to the relationship category and shockingly realised that in a whole 12 calendar months my “partner” and I had only had alone moments once. Guess what? I made excuses for him: “He had a busy time at work. Oh, this other time he didn’t feel too good. And yes, there was the time he was away on work trips.” So, yeah, it would have been better if the heavens had provided us more time than having us share the same 24 hours with other people when they knew we were in a particularly unique situation.

I didn’t just stand there and do nothing, no! I asked questions. Okay, I tried to request, appeal, and demand to be loved the way I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be seen, heard, and feel cared for—was that too much to ask? And no, it didn’t fall on deaf ears. I was almost respectfully asked why I wasn’t sensitive to the masculine thought process and other environmental issues. Like, what did that even mean?

Just like all those people that seem to care, I thought Uyi loved me too, but I guess I didn’t feel loved. Not even on those days when things seemed rosy. It was a flash in the pan.

It wasn’t just the lack of attention but also a lot of gaslighting and subtle manipulation. It was as though I had to beg for oxygen in order to live. Each day was sorrows, sorrows, prayers.

One can’t really explain the feeling of hating every single moment but at the same time hoping by some miracle for the best. It was like some spider web situation, like being hypnotised, like village people pressing some buttons, like having one’s memory wiped off. It was an intense experience that seemed like it wasn’t because it was always laced with some level of optimism—a brighter future here, some baseless hope there.

Yes, it is easy to fall out of love when frustration beats you every day and you keep wondering how dumb you have become for deciding to put up with something you are not comfortable with against the best judgement. It is never easy to question your insanity and remain helpless instead of leaning towards sanity.

I love Uyi—loved, but I lost myself while at it. Please tell me it’s not a crime to reclaim all that was lost even with a semi-sane mind and a half-crushed heart. Tell me I can live again without being judged for the decisions I take.

I yearn for a better life, I do. I want to be loved and treated right. I also want to pour my love into someone else, but I don’t know how to begin at this point. Would it be worth it? As of today, I choose to remain out of love until I can find my silver lining, but till then, it would be learning to love myself.

Eruke. O.