“Holy mother of God”,Damilola gasped loudly but what she met before her eyes wasn't the only shocking view— it was something else;an abomination.

°°°°°°°

“Ife,you can't do this to me please”,Uzoma said painfully through the phone,a part of me wanted to concede to his plea,wanted to listen and give in but I could not.

Uzoma and I were in the same senior high school and he's been my crush until last year at our graduation when he asked me out.Nobody,I mean nobody can understand how I felt.

We both know we have a thing for each other,I know and he knows we are attracted to each other but neither of us was bold enough to tell the other until he came with a big bouquet of flowers and a note stuck inside with the words; ”Dear Ifeoluwa,would you be my girlfriend?’’.I was both excited and nervous with the crowd cheering “awwn’ and screaming ‘’say yes!,say yes!”.Finally after all the nervousness and built up tension I collected the bouquet of roses and nodded positively,you had to see the smile on his face.It was bliss.

“I am really sorry Uzo…it's just that I don't know..I..I don't feel that love towards you anymore and it would be wickedness to force it knowing I don't love you like I should”.Before he could say any more,I disconnected the call and the tears that I promise not to shed came pouring,rolling like a rollercoaster.

It's been thirty two days since I broke up with Uzoma and as much as I want to forget him,I can't. At every turn, movement or activities,he clouds my mind reminding me of our old good times together.

Did I make the right decision?I asked myself internally and my answer always remains the same.Yes. But why do I feel this pang in my heart like a heavy pendulum is seated there.

The loud ringing of my Samsung S24 ultra jolted me out of my reverie.It is Damilola my cousin.

“Hey,you have been in the room for too long,aren't you coming out”.I find it funny how she's just two doors away from my room yet she can't come in or knock if she really was concerned.

“I should be asking the same question,I know you are in the room so what's up?”.

“Okay okay, actually,I wanted your help”.

“You could have just say so”.

“I know but you might refuse considering the fact you are still mourning”.

“Nobody is dead and I aren't mourning no one,I am just heartbroken,that's all”.

“It's same girl,you are mourning your dead relationship…oops no vex”.she laughed afterwards like it's funny.

“Do you still need my help or should I disconnect the call?”.

“I said I'm sorry nau,how about I come to your room instead”.

“No!I disagreed outrightly. My room is an absolute mess and it would be embarrassing to let someone see.

“I will come,give me a minute”, I said and went off the phone with a slight heave.

It's the end of the last semester of university of Abuja and Damilola has come to stay for the holiday,her parents and mine had traveled for a distant relative burial and she was told to come stay with me.she’s my cousin from my maternal side and is three years older than I am but our physical appearance is a reverse.

I am not too tall but I’m taller than Dami,my breast and hips are so enormous for my age that I have to stop wearing maxi gowns and tight skirt because of the unsettling stares from the opposite gender and sometimes even my gender,I am chubby and look older than my age but anyways I love my body,It's something I can't feel insecure about especially when Damilola and most of my friends always wish they had my kind of body.

I quickly cleared my bed of the unfolded clothes and rushed to her room.

I knocked lightly on her door and quickly as a cheetah,she opened the door like she have been standing there the whole time.I looked at her skeptically wondering what's making her all jittery.

“What's wrong with you,you look abnormal”.

“I guess I am”.She blushed with her two front teeth clamping her lower lips.

“So what's all this about?”.I sat on her large soft mattress getting comfortable with her Cinderella design small size pillow between my laps.

“Okay,don't be in a rush”. “You remember Felix I told you about?”.

“Yes,the bald headed guy in your faculty”.

“Stop it Ife”.

“What, isn't that what you told me”.

“That is in the past,you don't have to describe him like that anymore”.

“What’s change now?”

“He invited me to his birthday party….”.

“So?”.

“Oh God!,Ife let me finish talking”.

“Okay,I am sorry”.

“He invited me to his birthday which is tomorrow so I am confused on what to wear because I don't want to look you know….. unprepared”.

“When were you invited?”.

“Last week but I didn't have the opportunity to inform you considering you are In a mourning phase”.

“You like this guy?”.I asked Dami and she nodded sheepishly,I smiled also remembering the butterflies I always get when I am to visit my boyfriend or rather ex.

I helped Dami with her outfit choice,safe to say it's just me and her in the house so we don't need permission to go out.That’s the advantage of our parents being away and her crush's birthday happens to be in a good time.

The next day at exactly 3:45pm,Dami left the house leaving me in this large quiet building alone with my just my thoughts.

If only Uzoma and I were together,maybe I'd been on my own way to his house.

I broke the relationship simply because I felt I wasn't good enough for him.Uzo is a nice and good guy and I don't deserve him.

We started dating right after high school against all odds,against all the preachings of our teen pastor;pastor Bamidele concerning dating amongst teenagers,against our parents paramount advice to steer clear from opposite sex, against ourself to not give in to the desires of our heart because the heart can be deceitful yet we soar and you know what it means,we have to sneak and meet and still be the good girl and boy we are known to be.

But ever since we started dating,Uzo has never touched me intentionally,the one time he kissed my lips,smooched my breast like he wanted to reduce its size,it was ecstasy until he stopped abruptly only to apologize. It was like he was under some kind of spell, this was last year,five months after we started dating.

Another time was this year July during our one year anniversary when we indulged in an intimate foreplay that almost likely lead to sex for him to stop again but this time he didn't just apologized,he started crying.That moment I was confused and in heat— what a combination.I didn't know if to just grab his hands to do the needful or watch as he became emotional with my already damped vagina.

“I can't do this,I seriously can't Ife”. “I am sorry”.

“Sorry for what babe”.I asked.

“Sorry that I can't break the oath I made to myself”.

Oh he made an oath and I guess it probably is an oath of abstenance or celibacy.

“So what do we do Uzo,I am wet and needy...I need you”.I surprised myself that day,I wasn't like the 18 years old Ifeoluwa speaking.I was a harlot,a prostitute or so I guess.

I wore my panties and left his house without an answer,without an answer to what I have to do with myself after turning me on.

It's been over months now yet the desires and urge of that day hasn't for once quenched.Every day I fantasize about Uzo and I making out in his room on his bed or their kitchen counter when his parents and siblings are away.

We had resolved our issue after he pleaded that I understand him and wait for the right time.

“Then why are we even dating”.I remember asking that day”.

“Because I love you Ife,we are just young and we have many years ahead of us to make up for this".He kissed me afterwards which I didn't obliged.

He feels guilty going all the way but he kisses like a Mafia boss—ruthless with his lips.I really can't understand him.

We went back to normal,enjoying the little things that brings joy,sneaking to his house when no one is around.We would watch my favorite K-drama even though Uzo isn't a fan of it,we would play pillow fight and cuddle;cuddle is the most intimate we can go and for God so love the world,I have been suppressing my urges while I wondered how he's able to keep a straight face all along.

I started to see myself as the bad girl especially when the days to come didn't help in my sexual daydreaming and fantasy.He was the good guy who doesn't want to fornicate and I was the opposite.If I stay a little longer with him I might indulge him into breaking his oath which would break him and that'd make me sad,so I just have to pull out.I needed to figure out my life.

I can't spend the rest of my years fantasizing about Uzo plus he would be going to the university next anytime soon;I am too.

I picked up a novel that's just a few pages to finish—Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Adichie.I felt bad for Kambili and her mother,in fact no one would have expected the end of the story.

After that I decided to watch my favorite ongoing drama.My life lately is been the same cycle of daily activities- wake up,take a shower,cower like a fool in my room thinking about what my life that now is,read a novel, then movies,sleep,wake up, sometimes I eat three squares but other times I skip a meal,then sleep again and the next day I continue the ritual.

A loud knock on the door was heard,I wasn't expecting anyone and if it was Damilola she wouldn't knock so who can it be?.I checked the time on the large ancient clock in our living room as I walked briskly to the door, It's half past five.

The knock wasn't stopping. “Abeg no break my door oo”.I said loudly and the continues knock stopped.

I opened the door and behold it was Temitope,I was visually surprised to see him here.

“Good Evening" .He muttered.

“Good evening Temi”, I said while I looked around to check if he's alone.

“What?,you won't let me come in?”.

“Oh sorry”,I took a step back while he walked past me into the room”.

“Why did you come back and this late? you said you weren't staying”.

He didn't answer and just slumped into the golden Sofa in the living room.

He is wearing a brown turkey shirt with two upper buttons unclasp exposing his built upper body paired with velvet black pants.His masculine cologne so evident in the air your nose can't miss the fragrance.

“No food?”.He asked while he tried to pull his shirt off.

“Please you have a room Temi and there's leftover soup in the fridge,you can microwave it and make eba”.

“Ugh”,he groaned and strode towards his room.I went to mine after getting hungry already by the mention of food.

It was getting late,Damilola isn't back and she is not picking her calls despite several rings. As if on cue,I heard a slight knock and without permission to come in Temi opened the door and peek his head to ask about Dami,but it was too late because on the bed was me in my bum shot and a Pringles can between my lap.

“Where is damilola?”,he asked again, this time coming in fully.

“You should wait for permission to come into someone's room after knocking,hope you know that?”.

“My bad,I am sorry”. “Aren't you eating? I made enough Eba for everyone and that's when I realized Damilola's absence”.

“So you haven't eaten?”.

“I am about to, you better come join me”.

“I'm not hungry”, I lied but the truth is I am.I am just feeling so awkward with temi around.He is so big and when I mean big I mean those guys who gym and believe me when I say you won't stop glaring at him too especially now that he is in his singlet and jumper.

I watch as he takes in the look of my room,thank God I arranged it earlier.

“You read books too?”.He asked, forgetting about his purpose of coming.

“Who doesn't”, I scoff.

“Damilola doesn't”.

After a while,I became comfortable with him,Temi sitting on my mattress discussing books. It was a nice discussion because tell me why I am with a pen and paper, jotting down names of novels that I would add to my TBR collection.

“One day I will be an author”,I uttered from our discussion.

“You would make a beautiful and interesting one”. Temi said with a small smile that showed the chin dimple I didn't realize he had earlier.

“I love your dimples”, I suddenly blurted.

“And your smile is contagious”.

•••••

“Fuck “. Temi hurriedly got off me while I just sat on the bed cowering my head in shame.

Damilola has come into meeting a bad scenario,me having sex —but it shouldn't be that bad right? because she too Is no saint unless she took a self oath like Uzoma which I doubt but what's worse is who I am having the sex with;Temitope —her twin brother and my cousin.

I have met temitope twice.Once during a family gathering at the new year festival and twice the day he drove Damilola to our house saying he wouldn't stay with us as he would like to stay at his friend's.I am particularly close to Damilola but not to her brother who always keep a straight face the couple times I met him until today he came unannounced and we did the unthinkable;an abomination.

A WEEK LATER

My parents are back.Damilola and Temi has gone back to Ibadan;their home,but here I am with guilt so huge it could burst my heart.I gave in to the lustful desires of my body and do I say it's a good cause partially because I no longer think or fantasize about Uzoma or the sex I crave so bad instead,I now think everyday of my miserable life and how I would live with this secret and reality that Temitope my cousin took my virginity.