What if I fail at it again?

What if I never make it to the end?

Is there actually light at the end of the tunnel?

Sentences like these fill my head. I just seem not to understand. Life felt a lot harder than I could imagine. I was sinking in the largest ocean. I was tired. Tired sounded like an understatement. Maybe it was time to give up after all. Maybe it was that time. My heart felt sore. I couldn’t do anything but just stare into blank space. 

Seven years earlier, I had prayed to God for my admission. It was something I feared the most. With a not so high entry score, I prayed that I’ll get what I applied for. It was a journey of being patient and allowing God to work. I found favour. Myself and a few others from my area. I was elated. My waiting period had come to an end along side my relationship with my maker. 

I got too engrossed in studies that worship time felt more like a chore. Pushing God more and more away, I continued to strive in academics. Being one of the best students in my level. Life felt good but that void in my heart kept me awake.

Some few months later, I got a scholarship opportunity and guess what. I ran back to Him! I went back because I knew He had everything in His hands. And to my surprise, He accepted me with arms spread wide. I prayed more and kept a more intimate relation with Him. And my scholarship came through with ease. It was a very beautiful moment for my family and I. They sang praises to me and it all got to my head. Pushing Him away once more, I continued with my studies. Putting it head front. The hunger, fire and zeal for Him all went away and that emptiness still lingered. 

Coming now to the present. I have remained a 300 level student for the past three years. Waiting, crying and hoping some miracle would happen. How did a very studious student like me get here? I mean, I was top of the class. Well, I lost focus all of a sudden. I became distracted. Not by women or drugs but by my own self. I’ve written my MBBS three times and I’ve been threatened to get withdrawn from this course if I fail one more time. “Argg” I said to myself. How did I really get here?

That void remained and I’m sure it’s the big guy up in the sky that’s making this happen. I feel so embarrassed each and every time. Most of the time, frustration fills me that I act more like a psychopath than a sane human. I’ve been taken for therapy sessions more than once and they find me healthy. They find me normal. But what then is this?

My parents are worried. I’ve prayed to the big guy in the sky and every time I do, things only get worse. Am I to blame? I thought this was an era and I’ll walk away from it soonest but it feels more like a lifetime. Tired, angry and scared I go to bed night after night. My voice doesn’t even hit a spot in His heart? My tears don’t even go beyond my cheeks anymore. That void, that void...

“My Maker, my maker. Help me. Forgive me” I’ll say when I’m on my bed. Life has been tough for me. I thought on my own, I was perfect. Perfection isn’t for a man like me. I’m stained all over. Guilt fills my head. “it’s not too late” I keep hearing. But then it feels too late. How would I regain all the lost years? Or should I just think about the future and not the past?

“Save me because that’s what I need now. Revival, redemption, reunion”. I’m ready now. Ready to follow you and be used by you. Ready to follow your instructions. Ready to be saved. Ready to be impacted. I can’t go on this journey alone. I can’t make it to the light alone. I need you. I need you. Help me! A novice I was but now, I’m filled with understanding and knowledge. Help me. I need you.