Dearest Ellen,

I don’t know why I decided to start putting our letters out there…

For the first time in fourteen years, I watched your interview with Steve and man I am so proud of you. We’ve been through tick and thin and sometimes it bites. I wanted to believe your story was different from mine maybe better than mine but we are at the end just synonymous. We are synonyms. Near but not similar. They were nights too where we both find it difficult to breathe, difficult to swim. They were nights where it was easier to drown than swim and at some points it gets better but it hasn’t Ellen so we are synonyms near but not similar. Tonight has been one of those nights where it becomes easier to drown.

Last night mummy walked on me while I tried to harm myself. I saw her eyes and now I can’t even sleep and couldn’t wait to put it out there. The person who will see this letter has already concluded how twisted my mind is but you won’t understand because I actually feel free when I enjoy that pain. I was talking about her eyes and I couldn’t understand what it was. I don’t know if it was guilt, pain or even disappointment but those eyes looked so sad, they looked like mine when I hold my nose in front of a mirror while I try to stop my heart from beating and that twenty four seconds of not been able to breathe felt so so good. Felt so so normal. Maybe she held her breath too hard when she saw me last night. I know that by morning I’ll be the center of the prayer point during devotion, she’ll bind and cast and even make me fast and I still hope that God will do something fast because I really think I am running out of time…

#letters

#lifein20’s