Dear Ellen,

I think I’ve depended so much on people, on a man that I don’t even know how to take care of myself properly. I don’t know how to be independent again. I’ve been so fascinated with being vulnerable that moving out of my space and getting things done for myself scares the hell out of me. It breaks me to realize that I can’t even hold myself together. Is it the trauma? Is it the pain? Is it all part of the unspoken thoughts that I can’t process? I am really scared Ellen and I need help. For the kind of dreams I have, the things I want to be able to achieve in my lifetime I feel so stifled. Maybe God is trying to teach me a lesson. Maybe God is trying to instruct me and I am just too scared to listen or even understand. Enough of this talk Ellen, do you think I should go into therapy? 

I agree that I am heartbroken, I am in pain, I am not focused, and my energy is not even right. I sometimes find myself enjoying the pain, I enjoy it when I burn myself where nobody will see. I enjoy it because the only time it hurts less is when I actually feel pain. So, do you think I need that therapy? I spoke with him and it felt so good, it reminded me of all the times we spent in each other’s arms, all the times we made promises that we didn’t fulfill. I did agree I was drowning in the ecstasy of listening to his voice, hearing it again even when I knew too well it was bad for me, even when I knew it would destroy all the defenses I had built in the past week, even when I knew it would scratch so hard that the wound I had try to conceal would gush with fresh blood, I knew he was bad for me but I liked it, I still liked it and even loved it still. Am I really losing it? I don’t think I am even sane enough to want to put myself out there but I need to survive Ellen. I need to keep afloat, I need to keep swimming…..

Ellen, do you know why I write to you? It’s because nobody would understand this pain. Nobody would get to ever understand the excuse of the life I had to live. Why I lost my lifeline. Nobody will care to read through my notepads when I am long gone but it’s okay Ellen because you are here with me right? I hope you don’t ever get tired of my blabbering and leave too or would you? The day the words stop flowing, the day you do not hear from me, do not be afraid Ellen because I am finally free…

#lifein20’s

#Swimming