Are you healed or you’ve just mastered coping mechanism?

You know the thing about trauma and pain?

You could be having a good time and then boom, you’re trying to breathe, trying to swim, trying to stay afloat…

The first time I became like this was in 2017 when I lost the closest person to me. This person was important to my existence so I think you’ll understand what I mean. Anytime I experience pain my mind automatically resets to that moment. I’d be wishing things were different, things could have been different if that person was still alive. I think I’m just living. No, scratch that I’m just surviving. It’s like you putting out your best out there while you break, while you crack when no one is looking. My very existence, my entire existence feels like hiding in an empty space and breathing…

I don’t know if I’m making sense but this is the only way I communicate in an unadulterated, unedited, uncensored, unconventional word, this is the only way I express myself without feeling guilty, without feeling hurt, without breaking down, this is the only way I can comfort myself, convince myself that I am okay, that I can survive. So, what do you think that is? Coping Mechanism or healing???