How do I find a healthy balance?
A part of me wants to rest in love - love from God and love from people.
A part of me wants to isolate and protect myself from hurt - hurt from the world and hurt from people.
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Lately, I have been learning a lot of things. I am finding out who I am: strengths and weaknesses, beauties and flaws. I am tearing down facades and facing harsh truths.
I am learning about boundaries; that it’s okay to say no. It will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but it is necessary. It’s not worth it to keep others warm if all it means for me is getting burnt. To live without boundaries is to slowly die of resentment.
I am learning that I should get to know a person before calling him or her my friend (not the other way around). It’s not normal to constantly feel uneasy and overthink in a friendship; I should not be anxious about being myself or sharing my opinions. Love will not steal my joy, I won’t have to manage. Proximity does not equal compatibility.
I am learning that I must put in the work and consciously hold myself to the standards I seek (or higher). I should be the type of friend I want to have.
I am learning to hold my tongue—listening more than I speak. I must stay true to my authentic self, my ‘God design’. I should never be held back by what people will or may say. Everybody will experience and perceive me differently; it cannot always be in my control.
I am learning that it’s okay to change my mind after reevaluating circumstances and discovering new facts. It’s okay to ask for help—from God and from people.
I am learning so many things and unlearning much more.
As I write this, my head is pounding, but I’m relieved. There is much more on my mind, but at least I have decluttered a bit. I have unhappy moments sometimes, but there is JOY. I cannot explain it. It’s like, “I do not like this current situation , but there is so much more to my life. God will glorify Himself through this; I cannot wait to see how.”
“Joy in chaos, peace that makes no sense.”
God is doing good things in my life, every day, in every way. The best part is that, at the end of all this, I’ll see my Jesus. I’ll see Paul, I’ll see Abraham, David, Kathryn Kuhlman, Moses, Lazarus, Elijah, Kenneth Hagin.
I’ll see the penitent thief and ask how it must feel: crucifixion buddies with God one minute and being with Him in paradise the next. The sufferings now cannot compare to the joy that is coming, so I’ll wait.
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For now, I’ll lay in bed.
I’ll split the screen of my iPad to watch a Dimma Umehvlog while making jottings from lecture slides.
I’ll put too much Nutella on my bread.
I’ll call my daddy and anticipate the nickname he calls me once he picks up.
I’ll laugh till my head hurts.
I’ll give the Holy Spirit credit for every good thing; nothing is mine, nothing.
I’ll skip toner when doing my skincare routine, oops.
I’ll use my five favorite highlighters every chance I get.
I’ll do the tiny mundane things that bring me comfort. All will certainly be well.
Maranatha !
‘When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and the rivers will not overwhelm you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, and the flame will not burn you’
-Isaiah 43 : 2
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