The second our eyes met, my heart started beating hard. None of us pulled away from the intense eye contact yet. It was like we were competing on who would break first. Samuel kept chewing his gum like he always did- for some weird reason, it turned me on. 

It was Samuel- everything he did always turned me on. He could write on paper, and I would be so focused on his hand movement. 

I guess that is what love would do to you. 

Internally, I was screaming at those brown eyes fixated on mine. It had been a long while since Samuel looked at me like that. It’s like the entire world didn’t exist. It was like the students in the library had ceased to exist.  

I exhaled, hoping he would come over to my table and speak to me. The corners of my lips twitched, suggesting a smile. Instead of it being inviting, it threw him off guard, and he looked away. He quickly injected himself into the conversation his “best friends” were having. 

My shoulders slumped in defeat. I glanced back to the history book in front of me. I needed to focus anyway- the test tomorrow will not pass itself. 

I noticed my friend and roommate, Derin, smiling sheepishly at me. That could mean one thing. 

I narrowed my dark eyes at her,” What is it?”

“You and cultist boy.”

Cultist boy. I resisted the urge to shout at her and insist that she call him “Samuel,” which was his name. 

“His name is Samuel,” I mentioned in a soft tone. 

“But to everyone, he’s the black bears' leader, so…” She rolled her eyes,” Only you know him as Samuel, Jolade.”

I glanced back at Samuel, the tall and dark man in my life- the only one I had ever loved. Derin was right- only I knew him as Samuel. To others, he was the Head Black bear of our university gang. 

Samuel and the Head of the black bears were very different people. One was sweet; one was vicious. Samuel was my childhood love, and the other was the final year student at Dera University who decided to run things in his favor; he didn’t care if anyone got hurt if anyone died…. I was afraid that I didn’t matter either. 

Six years ago, Samuel and I were the best of friends- well, the friends that slowly moved to lovers. Our romance started in secondary school, where we made the back of the school and my father’s storeroom as our meeting place- our own “Igi-orombo.”

I was new to the school, and he offered to show me around. It was unbelievable how a boy wanted me to feel welcome in a new environment. Some classmates said he had ulterior motives, but I didn’t believe it. 

There was so much honesty in his eyes and gestures. We grew so close. 

Life struck, and we could not attend the same university as planned. My father, a military man, was transferred to Abuja, and I had to attend a school close to home. He couldn’t leave his mother who was gravely ill at that point. Plus, how would he start over in Abuja, one of the richest states in Nigeria?

I had tried to tell my parents that it was best for me to stay in Lagos and be independent. My father, “The rich man,” wanted me to attend the best university, A.K.A, the richest and most popular. I couldn’t fight a stubborn man and a woman who backed up his decision every time. So, I moved. Samuel and I promised to talk everyday, but we were young and stupid. Life got in the way. I had school and he stopped reaching out. 

Like my mother said, fate brought Samuel and I back together. It was after my father’s death and my mother wanted to be close to her sister in the time of grief, so I took advantage of that and transferred to another university which Samuel attended. 

Samuel and I were never the same. It has been five weeks and he hasn’t said a thing to me. I guess distance really ruined us. Also, I couldn’t believe that he was a cultist. Where was my boy whom I fell in love with in secondary school? The boy with the kind eyes and honest intentions? 

I tried to talk to him in school, but he insulted me just to get laughs from his friends. I was so humiliated that I didn’t try again. I hoped that he would come and talk to me, but he didn’t. 

I really missed him. 

Goosebumps rushed through my skin when I recall the night of February 13th, 2015. Once the imagery of Samuel kissing me filled my head, I sighed and shut my book. 

Derin narrowed her brows at me,” What happened? You’re not reading anymore?”

I noticed Samuel stand up from his seat; the urge to rush to him filled me, but I ignored it. Samuel, or rather the black bear leader, would not hesitate to humiliate me in the library in front of all these students. 

“I think I’ll just go to the room and relax.” I planned to. I picked up my books and left for my room where there will be no distraction. 

I stepped slowly into my room. I was hit with a pungent stench of weed and cigarettes. I paused in my tracks, taking in the smell. Derin didn’t smoke, I didn’t smoke. So what was going on? 

The words of Derin filled my head “The black bears usually show up at hostels and rape girls. If you smell weed, run.”

Fear instantly paralyzed me. Was one of them here to rape me? How did they get in? Why did they choose me? Were they here for me or Derin? Multiple unanswered questions roamed my head. 

I spun around, hoping to run for it, but a familiar voice stopped me. 

“Jola.”

The voice brought vibrations in my body. I turned around to face Samuel in my room. In his hand was a rolled-up joint. I stayed in my spot, scared of his intentions. 

“What do you want?” Fear was evident in my tone, even though I didn’t want him to know I feared for my safety. I didn’t need him feeling like he was a monster, even though he was. 

“Nothing.” His evasive self shrugged. 

“How did you get in?” I asked. 

He shrugged again. What could I threaten this boy with? Call campus security, but I know those shameless men are on his payroll. 

“Why won’t you say something?” I asked, finding the courage to move. I dropped my bag by the sofa and crossed my arms,” What’s wrong?”

He nodded,” Just trying to find the right words.”

“Good.” I nodded,” I won’t stand to be insulted like the last times we interacted. So, do not call me a gold-digger, a spoilt brat, or a bitch. Ashewo, slut, I won’t stand for it”. I had to be firm.

“Okay.” He agreed,” I won’t.” 

Great! This was Samuel, not the black bear leader. 

“It’s been a minute.” He started. I moistened my lips before saying,” Yes, but I didn’t think I would be in the same school as you, and you would not talk to me. I believe there was a time you could not do without me.”

“A long time ago. There is something called time.”

“Don’t blame me for leaving.” I know that’s what it was about,” I was 16. I was not as independent as you. I was supposed to be with my parents. They needed me. My mother needed me.”

“It’s fine.” He started walking towards me. 

“It’s fine?” The last time we spoke about it, he called me out, saying that I could not be with someone like him- someone poor, someone with no bright future. He said I didn’t care about him and only cared about money. Lots of hurtful words were exchanged. Even if it was a month ago, it still hurts. 

“I know you transferred here to be close to me.”

“Not necessarily.” I had to burst his bubble.” I had to leave my rich university because my mother could not really afford it on her own. Things were tough after my father died.” I explained to him again, hoping he would understand.

“Things were hard. We had to sell properties.” I let him know my story from grace to grass. 

“I understand. I’ve been there before now.” He smiled, which nearly took me off my feet. “My father died a long time ago.” He reminded me,” Unlike you, we’ve seen enough tough times.”

I nodded,” I’m sorry.”

He stood in front of me.” You have nothing to apologize for, except for the last time we spoke…”

His tone changed dangerously,” You insulted the cult, my brotherhood. The men that have been there for me since day one.”

I scoffed and defended myself,” I had good reasons to. Samuel, you’re playing a dangerous game. Cultism extends school grounds. These people will hold you for life, and everything you did here will be reflected in the future. Do you understand me?”

“They have been there for me.” He chose to hold on to that fact. 

“You will die.” I reminded him of the repercussions,” Nobody escapes this. I don’t want to judge you, but it’s something you have to think of. Leave the cult. For your sake and also for us.”

There was still an us, I hoped. 

He exhaled and ran his hand through his loose dreads,” Let’s not talk about that. I came here to talk about you and to apologize for the last time. That’s all and to talk about us.” He didn’t look at me when he said so. 

“There’s no ‘us’ if there is a cult.” I made it clear. I wouldn’t be engaging with someone who hurts other people for a living, who extorts people, and who makes people fear. That’s not the ideal man I prayed for.

“Then we have nothing to discuss.” He briefly decided. We kept staring at each other with no words. I hoped that he would want to talk more, but nothing.

What he did next blew my mind. He rushed over to me and grabbed me by the face. I was terrified at first until his lips met mine. It took me off guard as his lips moved against mine. He was finally kissing me. I wasn’t dreaming, and it was finally happening. The last time I felt his lips was three years ago, and it was an innocent kiss, not too much movement. 

This particular time reminded me of when we were 16 and recently grew corrupt. We had heard and seen a lot of things that we wanted to happen to us. 

We locked ourselves up in the restroom and chose to engage in “foolish” behavior, my mother called it. 

Oh, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I was so scared, my heart beating hard against my ribcage. The erotic gaze in his eyes scared me, and I wondered if I would keep up with whatever he planned to do to me.

“We need to go and study,” I told him in a subdued voice. He nodded, but I bet he didn’t hear a word I said. I leaned against the cold wall, further sending shivers down my spine. 

“Are you going to kiss me?” I asked innocently. 

He nodded and closed the space between us. It was not going to be all kisses. His hands cupped my face and brought it closer to his. The kiss was nothing like what we did before. His mouth covered mine, and his tongue entered my mouth.

French kissing is what it was called, but Derin always described it as Yama-Yama sloppy kissing. Kinds that are shown on those telenovelas I was not allowed to watch. 

Knowing Samuel spoilt me though. 

I figured out his rhythm in kissing me and joined in. It was weird, uncanny to me, but it turned me on so much. In the quiet bathroom, all that could be heard was our, well, my throaty moans and our lips smacking together. 

Presently, Samuel had moved to my neck, further arousing me, which took me to another point in my life where we were together. It was his 17th birthday, and he had come to spend it with me as my parents were still out to work. Samuel taught me things that I never thought I would love. I slept that night, thinking I was the filthiest person on earth, but afterward, it became a part of us. 

We were dirty little children. 

Samuel left my neck after marking me since that’s what he loved to do. He returned to my lips. That kiss….. He kissed me like he was starving, and I was the only food source in a desert. 

Just like when we were children, we did not care about anything. I didn’t care that the door was left unlocked and someone could come in, and I didn’t care that our work could be heard or seen. I didn’t care that his nibbling and kissing would leave shameful marks on my body for the world to see. 

I did not care about anything. 

I’m sure he didn’t care, either. His criminal buddies were probably the last thing on his mind. 

That night, we made love- not for the first time, but it reminded me of the first time. It was just as passionate, gentle, and unforgettable. He whispered, “I love you.” “You’re so beautiful” to me.” 

And luckily, Derin didn’t show up to ruin my good time. 

The aftermath of sex was just as I expected. We stayed naked in each other’s arms, not speaking, just caressing each other. We had several things to say, I know, but no one found the courage to start.

I needed to know what this meant. Are we finally a couple, or is it a hidden kind of romance? 

He let out a sigh, which indicated he was about to speak.

“You can’t tell anyone about it.” He asked that I keep this a secret.

I didn’t pick an offense because I knew what it would attract. Being with me publicly could bring about problems. If anyone wanted to hurt him, they would pick on me- internal or external enemies. We both didn’t want that.

There was a solution. He could leave the cult, and we could face the world together. 

Even though it was risky, it was possible. He could say goodbye to the black bears for the rest of his life. 

“You could leave the cult,” I told him. He shook his head,” Not an option. I can’t leave.”

Why was he so stubborn? Was death a repercussion if one aims to jump out? Why wouldn’t he choose me? 

“This love is impossible,” I told him as if he didn’t already know. 

“Yes.” He agreed.

“What do we do about it?” I was the kind to find a solution, but I wasn’t sure there was one. He wasn’t ready to try, and I wasn’t willing to go through this alone.

He just looked at me. I wished the words “We will get this through” came out of his mouth. Perhaps he would promise me that he would leave the cult and be someone great like his mother prayed for him to be. Instead, he pressed his lips to mine, giving me one final kiss and getting up from the bed.

“If only things were easy, Jola. If only.”

That was the time I realized that love was not enough. Our love was never enough.