Vulnerability, the nimble feeling that amounts to heartbreak.

When people are asked what are they most scared of , they proceed to talk about allergies, seemingly bad occurrences, death or even things we can all agree they've got to be scared of. But do you know what I am most scared of, it's that seemingly beautiful things that makes us human- our love sweet. I'm scared of vulnerability.

I'm that one person who finds it comfortable to hallucinate about her dead grandmother but I'm scared of being vulnerable. I'm scared that if I become too dependent of a person, when they leave me, my life will have no meaning. I know humans too well to believe in the cliché statement of ‘ I will always be there for your. No, man,you cannot be. I won't be mouth trapped into existing in you such that when I need you to tell you about my middle finger- you not there.

I love without vulnerability. Someone say I'm not doing it right. I see the rom-coms and love the vulnerability of love but I spare myself some heartbreak when it all eventually crumbles. Sometimes, the people you think would get you just don't and it hurts when they don't know that they don't. You can only mutter words in your mouth to explain it but the actual words to say it are not there. You paint me a picture of love - I trust you but you don't recognize when I'm hurt -when you hurt me.

Vulnerability sickens me because I don't want to be all coiled up in my bed sobbing because you won't talk to me. I don't even want to feel useless just because I feel you don't love me anymore. Even when I sense the disinterest in your voice,I don't want to be bothered. I've always tried to give myself in to vulnerability,they say,you get the best bit of love that way. They forgot to add that you also get the best bit of heartbreak.

I only just protect my sanity. I don't want to cleaning my tears with some therapist's tissue papers telling me how to deal with detachments. I detach before I even get attached. But you see, I am failing at vulnerability. It scares me. I see the signs of being left out. I'm dumbstruck and dumbfounded because I have promised myself I would find joy in myself without seeking it from one person. It would have been good if I made a lot of people my safe havens but I made just one.Such that, if push comes to shove, I would be begging in my heart that he stays by my side.

Making someone my routine, vulnerability is such a b****. When did I get to this place, fooling myself with little attachment once at a time till it became whole?Discarding my detachment card right out the window, Cupid would tell me that I'm just being in love steadfastly . But love that shatters afterwards, was it ever true? I do not want to be unproductive and not strive towards being an independent woman because the man I love is not giving me attention. Or my mother won't call me or be with me when I'm sick. I just want to tell everybody,” I understand” even when they hurt me.

I'm scared of vulnerability because it leaves a deep and bottomless hole anytime the person leaves you. I was once a vulnerable freak who seek her crush's validation just to keep her day going. I am my affirmation partner. All I need to start my blissful day is myself. I'll stay devoted,committed to you but I won't be vulnerable to you. I do not want to be wound up in the labyrinth of self-doubt when you leave. I just want to be fine by myself.