On Easter Sunday my dad walked my sister out of the church, his reasons being that she was dressed ‘inappropriately” for church service and by extension “indecent” for her day-to-day life. The top in question was a regular ass off-shoulder that I could wear on a normal day given the fact that my style is not exactly “modest” but

What exactly is modest?

What is modest enough?

 Why exactly should I give a shit about looking modest?

Why can’t I wear a crop top in the market without awful glances and at times insults?

Is Nigeria not hot enough for us to wear a crop top without awful and judgmental glances?

Matter of fact is a crop top “indecent”?

Is it indecent because my stomach is indecent?

As someone who grew up predominately in a very strict Christian household the concept of modesty was hammered into me before I knew the need for it. Before I knew the need for why I needed to be modest, dress a certain way, not wear trousers, not make shoulder-length braids and when I did it had to be packed up always, I knew all of this before I knew what modesty was, before I could understand the concept of modesty, I already had a father who could tell us to wipe our wetlips because it was too much AKA indecent, and a mother whose eyes where trained in spotting skirts that were 3mm above knee length AKA not modest.

As we grew, so did the rules, now we shouldn’t wear skirts too tight, shorts were not allowed around the house, now your skirts should be on your knees or slightly above your knees, same as dresses. Trousers were tolerated now; same as long but make sure you pack it up, especially in church “People are watching”. They also should not be very far apart from your natural hair color. Once my mom asked if I was ogbanje because I wanted to put wine-colored extensions on my hair. What about crop tops? No, DON’T SHOW US YOUR INDECENT STOMACH, HIDE IT. And piercings? ABONMINABLE Paint your nails but please can they be natural colors “Also why do you feel the need to put on lash or nail extensions, does that speak well of those who raised you? What are you telling god, that the natural lashes and nails he gave you are not long enough?”

In all of this, you lose yourself, you become the watered-down version of what you could be, what you should be, and what you wish to be. Childhood/girlhood which is supposed to be easy, and carefree is burdened with so many of these rules that there is very little freedom in the upbringing of the girl child. Growing up like this does something to you, to your self-esteem, and your sense of expression and appreciation. You lose a part of you to become a muse of a perfect child to your parents.

While one can argue that this was the right parental structure,’ how it should be”. I could make arguments about why allowing a child to grow with her own expression under guided parenthood, that is not heavily blindsided by religious or societal standards is best for the child, it’s best for the protection of this child. Given the fact that we do know who we “protect” her from?

 But we don’t protect girls and women by teaching them that their bodies are sins because they will constantly tempt men, therefore it’s their burden to cover it up, we don’t protect women by continuous insults and degradations when they refuse to bend to this outrageous rules or even blaming them in cases of assaults and rape. We protect women by teaching men to respect a woman and her body, to understand that a woman’s body is not automatically his by the way she dresses or what she puts on, we protect girls and women by not overly sexualizing every part of her body, understanding that most of her body parts are body part, not sexual objects, not objects for men sexual gratification or entertainment.

This is how we protect women not by shoving every restrictive religious command down their throats, not by teaching them to stay far away from men and shaming them when are found around them, not by teaching them that their bodies are temptation thus girls grow up to be women who see her body as sin, bearing the burden of covering it up always and not leading men astray with it…

 We protect women by letting them know that their body parts are functioning body parts just like their male counterparts, we tell her that her arms, thighs, her lips, her legs exist as bodies not as a sexual object that tempts men, we make understand that cases of rapes, assaults, and harassments are never her fault but the fault of a failed society. Her values and worth are not tied to what she puts on or the length of her nails, and her choices of self-expression or art within her body are not necessarily evil, abnormal, or sexual, but they are what they are self-expression. By teaching women that the standards of decency or indecency should be her choices to make, not forced upon them by pastors, imams, their mothers, or their families. But these choices are hers to make. This way we raise boys to accept women without sexualizing them and girls are raised to have boundaries without barriers.

Some days before easter Sunday, my mom asked that I change out of a dress I wore to run errands, and me being who I was vehemently refused to change out of the dress, given the fact that my beliefs of modesty have far stranded from my upbringing, having spent 4 years of my life in the university without a close watch from them. As always my mom’s reason was not far apart from the reasons I heard while growing up, “it’s indecent”, “it’s inappropriate”,” “immodest”, and “It doesn’t give glory to god “.

 In this case, she told me plainly that the dress was immodest because my arms were showing. While this can sound crazy to you quickly remind yourself that modesty and decency are very subjective words and while the arms of a woman might seem perfectly modest to you there are people, places, cultures, societies, and religions that a body part as simple as the arms, the feet, the legs, thighs, necks of women are seen as inappropriate, unprofessional, immodest, indecent and by extension sexual, tempting, seductive, sin, and private …..a normal body part, remain yourself that this is not extended to the man at all. Remain yourself, that these body parts and not inherently sexual except to perverts who think of every woman’s body as a sexual object.

I refused to change out of this dress, instead, I asked her what made my arms indecent, what exactly about my arms were indecent? My questions were

Are my arms indecent?

Why are my arms indecent?

Why doesn’t my arm give glory to god?

Are men’s arms considered indecent?

Is the man that my arms seduce normal?

These questions don’t just stop at the arms, they stretch forward to every part of the woman’s body that has zero to nothing to do with sex or sensuality but has been sexualized over the years, now women are supposed to bear the burden of covering every body part that has been perceived as sexual.

While I was in school, a lecturer, a female lecturer who was a professor, one of the only female professors in my department, stood in front of the class and declared that as long as she took that particular class, every girl was not allowed to wear sleeveless dresses or tops to class, if you schooled in a Nigeria university this was very normal and widely accepted but what scared me the most was that professor was not concerned about “the very seductive arms of the girls in the department” but she made she was very direct about, her concerns and what she meant in her words ”I don’t want to see your armpits keep it for your husband.”

To say I was disappointed, was, to say the least, I was frightened and angry but what heightened this emotion for me was that no one acted surprised that the armpits were the new gift for husbands, and neither did anyone object including myself. I went home that day thinking of how women’s bodies are overly sexualized and then stigmatized. Stigmas like this are passed from one generation to another and before you know it there is someone at the junction talking about how women, should not show their armpits in public because it’s a sin to God but instead, it should be preserved and shown to your husband.

Makes me wonder if God himself sees women as sins because every part of her is a sin in different religions. Her eyes, her hair, her legs, her back, her neck, her breast, her collarbones, her tummy, her arms, her lips. Every part of her should either be covered completely or watered down in the most modest ways, in other not to lead men astray. Even if every part of her was covered up in the most modest ways a man would still look for a reason to say she led him to sin either because he smelt her when she passed or because she didn’t lower her gaze while speaking to him, perhaps that’s why some religions and cultures insist that not only should a woman cover herself completely but she should also not wear perfumes that draw the attention of men to her.

But when does it end, a friend of mine told me that modesty culture was long gone from our society and very much does not exist in this generation. This is a very ridiculous lie because churches, mosques, cults, and thousands of cultures still hold very disturbing laws and commandments over the heads of their female followers and they continuously shame women who refuse to bend to these rules.

But how can we pretend that modesty culture is dead? do we not see the rebrand? Is it a thing of the past when we have new “elegance coaches” spread across social media who preach the same message, rebranding the same restrictive and controlling laws in the name of femininity and elegance, same message, different alters? RESTRICT AND CONTROL WOMEN, by not only enforcing dressing standards that are patriarchal but are very Eurocentric. Why should long sleeves be the acceptable, modest, and professional dressing code in Nigeria?, under the Nigeria sun. and why are traditional outfits which in the past showed skin and were perfectly made for our weather, now demonized, rejected as unprofessional, immodest, or even modernized to cover our very sexual bodies while on the other hand accepting European sense of style that was made for their weather not ours.

We must learn and understand that a woman’s body is just body, just like every human, it is not ours to control, it does not belong to anyone other than the woman, and most especially herself worth or respect is not tied to her body type, her sense of style or a piece of clothing she puts on, but like every human out here, her values are tied to her moral standards, her relations with others, belief, etc.

A society where men are thought to appreciate women and their bodies without objectifying them and women exist without watering themselves down to bare existence is a world I would like to live in, a society where I can wear a short skirt without being branded a slut, and cleavages are not seen as a weapon of men’s seduction, a society where a little girl is free to wear shorts and crops without her “asking for it” a society, where, rape, sexual assault, and harassments are not excused based on my shirts, a society where my arms finally give glory to God, and armpits belong to the person who owns them and is not seen as a sexual gift to your husband.

That is the kind of society I long for myself and countless women who have known nearly no freedom since birth cause they were born females. I wish for a world like this and you should too.