They said the years would numb the ache your poor, broken heart felt. But — you have never felt any pain as deep as this!

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder" your mother drummed into your ears after you broke the news of Kashi's desire to join the army. It was annoying to hear that because 10 years after your Dada, her husband passed, she still didn't get over it. She still talked about him — their marriage ceremony, their first seed which they lost three days after he cried, your first walk and many other things; with tear-glazed eyes.

Today makes it 157 days. Yes, you're counting, marking each day off on your red mud-plastered wall, awaiting Kashi’s return! You're waiting because he promised to come back!

You still remember that day vividly, when Kashi walked through your door, his huge frame blocking the sun rays that filtered in; and announced his decision to join the army. You've heard rumours of young men abandoning their lives — all they had built for the war but you never thought it would hit close to home.

"The war's getting tougher. Many slain brothers lay on the field, the stench of their decaying bodies fill the air. The Iron Feet won't stop. The missiles won't stop dropping into our lands like pellets of burning rain; shattering our people into pieces of flesh and bones. The animals and crops are not spared either. We don't know what is coming next. I must go and join my brothers to fight off those blood sucking demons".

You didn't miss the stiff resolve that stuck like glue to his voice and knew that nothing you said would change his heart. You just sat there, the dress you were folding, slipping out of your shaking hands. Just the way he slipped into the dark end!

Pools of tears gathered like thick clouds of rain in your eyes and your heart raced in fear. The fear that you may never see Kashi. That he would end up like a butchered cow but this time, scattered into the fields to decompose in the blood soaked soil. Without proper burial.

Two days after, you watched helplessly as Kashi slung a rifle over his shoulder. He had donned the traditional warrior's attire. Just then, your mind flashed back to the night Kashi didn’t only win the wrestling competition but your heart.

***

Kashi would always intercept you on your way to the river, farm, market or Nerda's house; coaxing and cajoling you to complete his life. As was the custom, you didn't say yes immediately but allowed him take the huge piles of firewood from your head or escort you to your father's gate.

On the wrestling night, which marked the opening of the Afor Festival, Kashi had in split seconds, floored his opponent who writhed in the sand like a headless snake. The girls rallied around him, swaying heavily beaded waists and flashing him ripened bosoms and gorgeous smiles.

But in the sea of heads, you caught his gaze fixed on you! Your heart tripped then did a ring-around-a-rosy dance as he marched towards you. To claim you!

.

The days and weeks that followed got you giggling in the dark of your room; your head filled with thoughts of your marriage ceremony, the breaking of your maidenhead, the tiny bulge of your abdomen and Kashi's strong arms wrapped around you protectively in warm and cold nights.

Often, you wondered if he felt the same way. You were sure he did because a glow always brightened his face whenever you stopped by his house to drop "something from Mama" or when you two sat in the quiet of the night, the moon the only source of light, holding hands.

Or, on the night you shared your bodies, the shuddering emotions coursing through your connected souls speaking volumes.

But 157 days ago, when Kashi said that it was the sounds of the war that lured him to the field and not your Akele voice any longer, you doubted his love. You wanted to ask him to choose between the lures of the war or the calling tunes of the heart that beat in the warmth of your womb.

But you didn't. You couldn't.

Your tongue was stuck to the roof of your mouth. The news pierced and left you dumb. Now, you wish you did. Maybe, he would have stayed back to watch his seed grow into a man rather than join the bloodsucking zombie army!

157 days after, you stand alone in the silence of your room, torn away from your lover; clutching your growing abdomen wondering the story you would tell him when he grows up. You were sure it was a boy! A boy like Kashi but wished it was a girl so that she would be lured only by the scents of ointments mixed in the large cauldron for sale and the aromas of spiced stews and soups.

***

On the 227th day, the war ended. So did your life, for when the surviving warriors returned, your Kashi wasn't there. He wasn't among them. You didn't see him strutting towards you gallantly, bearing the head of the Iron Feet warlord on a platter. Or, hobbling on one foot in threadbare clothes.

One said, he was hit by a ball of fire shot from a gigantic machine on the eleventh day of his adventure on the battlefield. So short a time for a man to be on the warfront, you mused!

Your numbed mind painted pictures of Kashi in his last moments. You imagined his body twisted like that of a roasted bush meat or goat. His beautiful skin burned into black soot. The smile replaced by a deep-etched pain, a result of the burning terrors; a mix of pain, fear and regret shooting into his brain from his central nervous system.

Or maybe, he ended up in pieces. His remains scattered in different directions.

What did he think of in those last moments? You? Home? His wrinkled mother? Or the life he would have lived if not of the war?

As these million and one thoughts raced through your mind, you felt a strong tug in your abdomen. Was that Kashi calling you? Was he coming back? Was he not dead after all but alive, lying hidden in the debris of rotting flesh and shards of pellets? Maybe, he ran away from the war after realization hit him that it was a dead end!

Another hard contraction pulled at your abdomen causing you to scream in pain — in pain because Kashi may never return and you will never see get to see that smile that pulled at your heartstrings. That your child will never know his father. And may be told to 'shut up' in gatherings.

The pain that the war, man's folly has ripped you of someone precious; one whose life just began! The pain that Kashi took a piece of you with him and you may never recover that piece because it was all that embodied the memories you shared before he stomped into his own death!

Groaning, you slowly fell to your knees as your mother ran into the darkly lit room. In minutes, you were sprawled on the bed, your thighs spread out... your mother begging you to push because the head is out.

With pain mixed with grief, you pushed hard wishing Kashi was in the room with you. Wishing he was crying with you as the birth pangs hit you! Wishing the war never happened and the tapestry of your life was not torn into shreds by bullets and missiles of the Iron Feet. Wishing you and Kashi’s love was not war-torn. Praying the baby would never get to hear the marching sounds of war or the burning fury that dropped into the earth like rain! Wishing Kashi would just appear and say it was all a nightmare, that you should wake up!

The last words you heard before you slipped into unconsciousness were, "Kashi has returned" but your mind couldn’t decipher if it’s was your Kashi or the seed of his loins.

• Kashi, Nerda, Afor, Akele (a singing bird) are all coinages.