Chemo is sad, hard, and painful among every other thing it could be. Nausea, weakness, dizziness, giving in to the pain, everything that comes with doing dialysis or chemotherapy is painful, more to say depressing.

Yesterday, as I sat down trying to wrap my head around the fact that a needle might be going in through me, and accept the fact that I might have to take it in for days, I was filled with so much anxiety I told myself “close your eyes and remember how you had your second piercing, you were nervous but the pain did not last a minute” and so I tried to imagine the pain of the needle piercing through my skin as though I was getting another piercing. The truth is I lied to myself, it did not work.

Watching the needle pierce through different parts of my skin, from around the elbow to the back of the palm, to other parts of the body all because my veins looked at me and whispered Lyon, watch me as I play a little bit of hide and seek, I was engulfed in tears, I whispered and prayed to my Lord and said to him “please let them find my vein, this hurts a lot” and voila, the vein came popping like a tiny bird out of its nest.

At this moment I thought,” Urgh it is finally in, now I can experience a little bit of ease’ but my body said no; as they pumped the fluid into my body, it fought so hard, causing swelling and I screamed out in pain asking that everything be stopped, both the pumping of the fluids and the needles in my skin I wanted it all out. Trying to calm me down and convince me that this was the easiest option but to no avail, the needle and the fluids were all taken out and we were back to square one.

Now what do we do?

We settled for another way to pass the fluid which was a painful way but I had no choice, I had to let it in if I wanted to be better, I cried a lot but that’s just one of the perks of pain.

Today, I woke up a bit better, hungry much and said to myself “Let me talk to my maker, write down my dreams and plans for the life ahead of me after which I would go down to eat”. I did everything except eat yeah I couldn’t… not because I didn’t want to but because the food didn’t stay down, I threw it all out, my throat could not let the food in and it brought me to reality, that I should begin to accept that my system cannot accept some meals. Well, I settled for something, though, called “GARRI”. yup, my system took it in; I felt nauseous but at least something to hold me for the day.

These episodes got me thinking a lot about chemo and dang it is hard, I cannot imagine what anyone going through chemo or some DIA is going through. The pain, the torment, the torture, the weakness and everything surrounding it and the truth is you will never truly know.

Current symptoms have made me shed a lot of tears each time the fluids were passed through my body, but it can never be compared to the pain of chemo or survival on more than a piece of blood.

Here is a shout-out to all those fighting to keep their lives and stand strong amid the turmoil, you are strong, we see you and love you.

Mood song: Love is a Compass by Griff