POV: ALIEN INVASION, JOLLOF RICE AND NIGERIAN SHENANIGANS 

Have you ever imagined an Alien Invasion, especially as a Nigerian living in Nigeria? I've recently had cause to wonder what I would do if I woke up one morning and found aliens in my room.

Yes, nobody asked but I want to share.

The first thing that crossed my mind as I stared at those words was “Aliens in Nigeria? What could be the reason?”. Next I thought to myself, I wish everyone who would read this was a Nigerian, because then I would not hold back on using the most suitable language ever for this discourse: The Nigerian Street Parlance, aka Pidgin English. That notwithstanding, I'll do my best to walk you through what I would be up to if the first sight that greeted my bleary eyes on a windy Saturday morning was an alien from God-knows-where.

An alien, huh? I would probably be thinking “uh, that's not the kind of humans I'm used to seeing. Did demons have a meeting and decide on a prison break and they didn't send us a memo? That would explain why the odd-shaped creature with bulging eyes and squishy-squishy ‘everything’ is trying to challenge me into a staring contest as soon as I open my eyes after a night of some shut-eye from the nightmare that being a Nigerian is.

I'd also likely ask “are you lost, my dear?”, it would make perfect sense to.

You're probably wondering why I haven't mentioned that I'll have a panic attack and go right back to sleep with a possibility of never waking up again. 

No. Panicking because of ordinary aliens sounds so not-on-brand. Tell me you're not a Nigerian without saying the words.

As someone who has experienced everything unpleasant known to mankind, from fuel and food scarcity to the worst leaders any nation in the world can boast of; not forgetting the lethal bombastic side-eyes from aunties from your father's side of the family at general family meetings, fury from unthinking Twitter (now X) users, etc…

Aliens? They're just at preschool level on the scale of events, people or things with the capacity to evoke panic.

The thing that will cause me a bit of worry would be communication constraints.

Except for my decent command of English, my local dialect and barely passable Spanish that Duo at Duolingo has to ‘passive-aggressive’ me into learning daily, I have no knowledge of any intergalactic languages that might come in handy in that moment.

What is the possibility that misunderstanding each other due to language barriers will not cause things to escalate quickly?

Anyway, as a resourceful Nigerian who's never to be caught not guiding, here's my Nigerian Alien Invasion Survival Guide, because you just never know, do you?

Step 1: Vibe Check: do these non-humans come here in peace, or do they look like they wanna throw hands? Do they bring war and fight? What could the mission be?

I'd figure that out somehow first so I can decide my next course of action. I need to know if I'm whipping out a bottle of Goya olive oil, picking up my Bible and slipping on my scarf in battle-readiness because ain't nothing a sprinkle of oiyel can't fix.

Or am I serving some crunchy chinchin to snack on to be washed down with cold mineras, or some good old jollof rice with chicken and coleslaw? Hangry people are dangerous people in my books. So, I need to ensure that our alien friends aren't hangry.

Step 2: Establish a Common ‘Language’: We need to be able to understand each other one way or another, so maybe some sign language to kickstart things would be great.

I would have to find a way to understand what the mission is… what could be so important, or interesting that they'd decide to leave their planet to see the world and it's Nigeria they decided to go to. ‘Sufferhead’ much?

Step 3: Proceed Accordingly, but With Caution: step 2 should give me a clue of what I am to do next. Am I rolling out more Nigerian delicacies to thrill their alienic palates, because if I feed them fat it could help keep things under control.

If you're struggling with a burgeoning stomach due to overfeeding (because obviously I'm doing it on purpose), where is the energy to move mad? “Alie Bobo, you will like a spread of rice and chicken stew, with amala with ewedu, ewa, ekpang-nkukwo, efere afang, edikang ikong as well as Egusi with substantial obstacles!”

What's a Nigerian without her/his strong sense of hospitality? Torh.

Step 4: Bargain: you see, something Nigerians have in abundance, is the top tier ability to bargain. It's inherited from our parents, especially our mothers. Think about this for a moment: my mum goes to the market to buy a pair of shoes and the seller says they cost $200.

My Nigerian mother's Modus Operandi is to divide the price in ten places, pick three places out of it and ask you to give her two pairs of shoes at that rate. So, what are the aliens going to be proposing that I would not successfully bargain my way around without ending up with the shorter end of the stick?

Step 5: Offer them some Authentic Nigerian Experience: Actually, nothing really dey this country, if you really deep am, because what exactly do we have that will interest or entice aliens? Non-existent trade/state secrets, some future-forward Hi-Tech prototype? Exactly, nothing!

Anyway, how can I have visitors over and they don't get a chance to experience the true Nigerian way of life? I'm drawing up a tour plan and taking them out for some ‘flex’ sharp sharp.

If I don't manage to take them anywhere else, at least a trip to the University of Suya or some Mallam’s shack by the roadside at night won't be half bad. Some ‘Suya’ (spicy beef jerky) served with raw onions and cabbage on a sheet of old newspaper is an experience every non-Nigerian should have, not to mention aliens who've come from thousands of galaxies away.

I should definitely take them to the tailor for a couple of Ankara outfits fitting. Something tells me that Aliens have the potential to rock some Agbada and Sokoto, Baban riga or an Isi-Agu print senator with the accompanying pants or wrapper. Of course we'll pick out some accessories to match.

To wrap things up, I'll take them to some pepper soup place for dinner. There's a way a hot plate of goat-meat pepper soup and a side of white rice will slap, they might just offer us a deal for some interstellar technology as thanks.

Step 6: Document Everything. This is a viral content moment and there's no way I'm not whipping out my phone for a vlog. “Hey, guys! This is a day in the life of a Nigerian babe's first contact with aliens”, or “An alien's first jollof rice tasting moment; a vlog”. The views would be through the roof in a minute!

I can almost see YouTube and Mark Zuckerberg’s dollars growing alongside the views and making way into my account. No, I'm not drooling.

Step 7: See Them off to Their Spaceship. I need to make sure that they get aboard their ships in one piece for their trip back and that the Louts of Lagos, aka, ‘Agberos’ have not scrapped their vehicles and sold them for their next wrap of weed. 

We don't need anything agitating the aliens if we've made it that far in keeping the peace, do we? As I wave them goodbye while I watch, heart-in-mouth, I'll be wondering if I should have sent them to emilokan’s house after convincing them that he'd make the perfect midnight snack.

I'd probably be crowned a National Hero by the grateful Nigerians, who would be beside themselves with gratitude to be able to gain their freedom without so much as lifting a finger to do anything.

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Nah, just kidding. I'm kidding about every single thing I've written here. First sight of a living, moving thing that isn't human and I'll be passed out from the shock and dismay. What do you mean “offer them jollof rice and Suya”? Torh!