“Maybe we will never recover from heartbreaks. Our hearts are like pieces put together by kintsugi, whole but not in one piece. “

I try to remember when I felt my heart shrunk and my tears eased the pain. I think of times when tears welled up in me in expression of the pain I felt. I play these scenarios in my head and my heart still feels the pain I felt then. I could swear it was gone, I recovered but my heart never did.

Heartbreaks are cracks in the walls. The cracks keep going, cracking into the deepest places you can never imagine.

If I could build a barricade round my heart to protect it from the smashing hammer of life, I would have. I wish I could protect my mind better. But I could not and can not, now I carry fragments of my heart piecing it together with my tears of gold.

When I was a newbie to heartbreaks, tears were my only cushion. I would find myself crawling back to my “heartbreaker” seeking for words of succour. Maybe they would fool me and tell me they did not mean it. It never happened- honesty was always 'heartbreakers' forté. How I wish they would deceive me.

I got better at soothing myself. I try to escape by scribbling my feelings in a journal. I poured those raw feelings in them and those feelings in words, were my only cushion. It would make sense then but afterwards I felt like a fool.

Then he came and told me, I have got to say my feelings in those moments. It was new to me. I did not want to look weak. I never took his advice. I am always sucking my feelings in.

When I have recovered from heartbreak, you would find me crying in tune to some heartbreak songs. You would think I know all of Taylor Swift's songs. Well, wrong. Maybe I would line her songs up for my next heartbreak.

When I have recovered from heartbreak, my brain does not do my heart well. It only flushes in those memories once again, reminding me of my woes. I am therefore plunged into the crippling sting my heart felt and it feels like a cycle all over again.

The silly jokes I make bury the broken fragments in me, you know. I am at a phase you see me at my happiest after a heartbreak. If you were my closet, you would have seen me in full blown breakdown. You are not, so I would pretend just like you do, that you are over it.

To those who say they have recovered from their heartbreaks, I would believe their claim only if they are placed in the same situation through simulation without being triggered.

We carry our hearts in broken pieces patched together by the happiness and joy we have encountered in our lifetime.

Only when the joy encroaches the sadness only then will our hearts be renewed as when made.

Spoiler Alert! That can never happen.