Nobody talks about how hard it is to trust someone after a heartbreak. No matter how hard a romantic prospect tries, you're already convinced that the person is going to hurt you. 

I’ve been in several things called “a situationship” where you and someone you like, do things people in relationships do, but you’re not together officially. It’s a brutal form of relationship. Imagine having to get over someone that wasn’t even yours to begin with.

My story went like this- Girl is on her own jejely, boy expresses feelings to her; girl and boy go on a date and kiss. Boy immediately expresses that he wants to be her man, Girl says that it’s too soon and they should know each other better first. Girl and boy are still together. A month later, boy says he has feelings for his ex and wants to pursue things with her. 

Girl wonders,” What the hell is going on?”

Finally, girl blocks him on all platforms but, of course, trust shameless Lagos men to be persistent and reach out using a different number or account. 

So, that’s my story.

I, Diana really suffered at the hands of James, the Nigerian Nebuchadnezzar. After my heartbreak, I was distressed. I was done with the male species of the earth. I wasn’t going to date or accommodate anyone. Frankly, I was terrified of another heartbreak.

The problem with my distrust is that real men who really love me will be disadvantaged. Whenever anyone new comes, I just think,” You’re going to back out soon. Why go through trouble?"

Then I ruin everything. 

Originally, I started that with Tayo, a handsome, tall, and responsible boy. Just listen to the name- Doesn’t that scream Yoruba hot man set to destroy your life?

Tayo and I met during a game night that my best friend had dragged me for; Getting to the location, I began to plot my escape because there were many drunk, horny, and restless humans. I wasn’t ready to deal with any drama tonight. 

I quickly noticed Tayo because he stared at me from the moment I stepped in. I held eye contact for about six seconds with him. Before he pulled away, he smirked. That smirk basically said,” Damn!”

During the game night, our eyes had crossed several times. I wondered what his game was. Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to talk to him first.

When the game of Truth or Dare got too hot to handle, I excused myself to “answer a phone call from my nagging mother”. 

Tayo joined me outside and we started a conversation about how game nights are too sexualized in Lagos. Long story short, Tayo and I spoke like we were old friends that night. It’s still surreal how I could break down my walls for him. Believe me, I tried to fight it. When I caught myself laughing too hard at his jokes, I’ll switch up immediately and frown hard; the first two times I did it, he was taken aback, probably wondering,” What is wrong with this woman?”

That’s how these coconut-headed men play; they break down your walls by expressing love to you and when you’re finally head over heels for them, they bring you back to reality, proving that they will always hurt you. 

After the party, Tayo asked for my number and I thought I was probably going to ghost him. But this man had a special kind of charm. Tayo was intentional about me; he loved me in all languages; He bought items for me, helped me to pick up my autistic brother from school, and praised my beauty, work ethic, and life with so many beautiful words. 

I could tell that Tayo wanted me sexually, but he was so patient; He respected me on countless occasions.

This man knew how to love. My parents and friends knew he was the one for me.

But trust me, my self-sabotage didn’t stop either way. I would intentionally try to annoy him, provoke him to the point where he would probably want to hit me, and I would not answer my calls or messages. Tayo didn’t flinch at my attempts, it’s like a higher power told him of my tricks.

He was here to stay, but I was still uneasy about getting into a new relationship. 

The night of our first kiss changed my mindset. I loved car dates, so Tayo came to my house in his jeep, had ice cream, a box of pizza, junk food, everything I had said I wanted.

My heart thundered hard when he told me that we were going to go on a car date. It was so sweet of him to take the initiative to spend more time together, but my strong mindset of men being awful was against it.

I started,” Is this a date?”

He shrugged and smiled,” What do you think?”

“I think you should be upfront with me about your intentions.” Seriousness laced my tone. 

“I thought it was clear.” He was aware of my serious demeanor,” Diana, are you good?” 

No. I wasn’t. I was overwhelmed, stuck on what to do,” I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get me to really like you and then you leave. I’m left alone to deal with my emotions. I’m not doing that anymore. So, if you intend to do all these cute things and leave. I warn you now, leave and don’t come back.”

I could tell that he wanted to choose his next words wisely because my eyes got teary. 

“Why would you think that I want to leave?” He cooed.

I scoffed,” Because you’re a man with no self-control, no respect for feelings whatsoever and all you care about is sex! It’s all a game to you guys. It’s a sick thing to do!” I realized that I was projecting my past trauma on him,” 

“I don’t want to nurse another heartbreak.” I concluded. 

Tayo just stared at me with narrowed eyes; I couldn’t tell whether he was pissed or not. 

I was ready to go back home when his hand grazed my shoulder. He wrapped his hands around my waist and stared at me. Shivers sent down my spine; this was the first time I had seen him so serious. 

“Are you calm?” He asked and I nodded. I felt like a child who was recovering from an intense tantrum. 

He exhaled first before saying, “Diana, I like you. I like you for many reasons. I feel like if I start to say them, you may not believe me. You’ve done the impossible to keep me away. I understand you’ve been hurt, but not by me.”

“Don’t you think I deserve the benefit of the doubt?” He asked,” To prove myself I’m worthy?”

“Girllll, he’s tripping.” My mind commented, but for the first time in a long while, I saw honesty in a man’s eyes. While I stared at his amorous-filled eyes as he spoke, it was like my walls were breaking down. 

It was unfair to judge him based on my previous experiences with mad men.

“Please, give me a chance. I will show you that I’m here for the long haul, but if you try to make things difficult, I may have to give up.”

That instantly unlocked a new fear in me. I didn’t want Tayo to be with someone else, to experience his jokes, intentionality, and charm. 

Then it clicked, “HE IS MINE.”

His eyes flickered to my lips and eyes interchangeably. I could tell that he was battling with thoughts on whether to kiss me at that moment. 

“Are you going to kiss me?” I asked after a moment of silence. He nodded,” But I don’t know how you’ll react.”

He added,” You may pluck out my eyeballs with your nails.”

I chuckled because I knew it was something I was capable of. Last year when a man forcefully kissed me in the cinema, I punched him in the face and stormed out. He started spreading rumors that I’m an abuser. In my defense, he was too forward. 

But with Tayo, this seemed like the perfect time. I closed the space in between us, doing my little part that would lead to the kiss. The sexual atmosphere was already building up. He slowly cupped my face and kissed me.

“Please, don’t sabotage this.” His lips were against mine when he said. He pulled away and looked into my eyes. I knew he wanted to talk more, but I kissed him this time around. There, we stood outside my apartment, making out like two horny teenagers.

The love story had begun. It wasn’t an easy ride; I had to give it to Tayo; he was patient with me on days I didn’t want to talk or was just being stubborn. 

He wasn’t going to let me self-sabotage this beautiful thing. If I do, I’ll be a big fool.