Do you think we can figure out how our mind works or we are left to follow its bidding? I often wonder why I do not get pleased easily. I want to be happy, trust me. But my mind requires more to make me happy. When you ask me what is wrong, my flesh has no words because it is no bearer of my mind’s message.

 Just a few days ago, I was running on exhausted my mental juice. My pleasant-to-behold face upheld my scrawny soul malnourished of joy. This state once housed my soul four months ago, I think. My mind plunges me into this labyrinth, one which I cannot figure out myself except my mind bails us out.

Or, let me say my mind is a labyrinth I have not figured out yet. What happens there is one of the darkest secrets I am oblivious to.  I called myself depressed at thirteen, but now when I think of it, maybe I was never depressed. It was just the complexity of my mind, my soul. I had traumas sticking through the lens through which I see the world. Even with my readiness to see the world just how it is, my mind says it is impossible to let go. It re-echoes those memories.

What keeps me calm in this situation? Not a person, maybe NF tries a little bit with his lines. His lines send me a message. But unlike in his song, Happy, I reach out to God constantly. He can ‘pull me out of this hole I am trapped in’.

God’s Word is my opium. Not just from reading but hearing it from his anointed. The church keeps me sane. But you see, I have not been to church for two weeks. Trust me, it was not deliberate, but circumstances have hindered me from being there. My pastor does not blame people for mental traumas, you know. He says they are not spirits that can be cast out, you need to constantly cast them down. You know I might be suffering from the side effects of church truancy. 

Without HIM, I feel empty, all crumbled, no matter what I have. My soul cannot cry out to Him because it is all warbled in creating the hardest labyrinth ever. My body is weak due to physical exercises. My trinity has failed me, did I just say that? No, my spirit man is hovering around to reach out to Him causing my flesh to mutter words of hope. When it would finally send an SOS, I do not know.

I am in my labyrinth which I have not figured out. I need to go to church as soon as possible, in a few days, I might have my sanity back. I am too weak to call out to Him on my own, I need to depend on his congregation’s mental juice to sustain me. I know my cure but I still need an answer if our minds can be controlled.