Dear mum,

I know you believe in me. I used to believe in myself too, but recently I’m not so sure. Sometimes, it feels like the end of my potential and this is where I fail and fall of the cliff. If I tell you this, you would say that God is always with me. I know, but those nights when I’m in tears and my heart is shaking thinking about how I would fail because there’s just so little time, it’s hard to feel his touch. It felt so lonely, as if even the wind didn’t dare touch me in my misery. It felt cold.

Do you remember when I told you my fears, then you told me not to worry, that I was trying? Yes, I try. I read a lot and I cry. But sometimes, it seems like I’m trying in vain. Like trying to fill a basket with water but the effort just drains away. I sit on that chair with my slide open in my laptop, but there’s another chair in my mind, a spirit on it, whispering, asking if it will ever be enough, telling me I could still fail, that I’ve not done enough, I don’t know enough, maybe I am not even enough. Screaming, NOT ENOUGH! NOT ENOUGH! It’s deafening, I’m trying, but I know it might not be enough. There’s just not enough time and I am not smart enough, not hardworking enough, not lucky enough. Nothing is enough. 

Lately, the pressure has been rising steadily, and I could feel it. It was getting so strong that I thought it was just me, until my friend talked to me. He wanted advice, with distress clearly written on his face. He was afraid, I thought. Just like me. I told him some things, but I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell him not to lose hope, but I was losing mine already. I wanted to tell him that he could do it, but I didn’t believe even I could. 

But don’t worry mum, I’m still trying. I still get up every morning and open that slide. I sit on that chair even though it might not be enough. I try not to cry; I would do that when I pass. My smile is still on, faking it till I make it. I talk to my friends and we laugh. I know they’re pressured and fearful too, but I know they’re trying. They might cry alone but they’re trying, and I wish we would never stop trying. Till we win.