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Excerpts from Ruth's Journal, 2021 :

He held my heart in his palm

But never played with it

Never squeezed

Never dropped it

We loved each other

Though we never said it

Even after a long night in bed

We never said it.

This literary genius wrote this three times. The pros and beautiful cons of this thing called love. Love is not very beautiful as everyone claims. The romance of love is it's only saving grace.

Love lacks originality because for every version of you, there is someone for you.

But there was no one for me for such a long time but I finally found you or at least the idea of love made me tolerate you enough to where I have now fooled myself tragically into delusional feelings.

"Ruth (my actual alter ego) you are too conscious of your heart, you love this boy" I was told yesterday no matter how I defended myself against the merciless disease.

No my love, I won't lie to you. I am not in 'love', I am now so immensely dependent on him that the mere thought of not seeing him or hearing the way he softens his voice when he speaks to me puts me in emotional turmoil for days. The mere thought of him walking away now makes me feel like the world will lose balance and tip me to my death.

But I have been conditioned into not showing too much love because it turns his type off.

But if he had been with me, I wouldn't have cared. If he had been with me, I would have pretended and played and faked everything, priming myself to be perfect the way he wanted.

I don't know if this peace I feel is all in my head or it's my mind tricking me into thinking he is enough. But my love, this has been good six months. Not the best but good.

If you were with me, even better. But no I was never deserving of that beautiful title but I now act like a little prostitute, spreading my legs when I am not even deemed worthy enough of a little title.

Since he doesn't want to be with me, I have settled to wanting scraps of him that he dishes out at his will. This has been a good six months but I know it will soon come to an end as love always does. Nothing lasts forever even the sweet toe curling feeling I get cuddled against you.

Then I would have to go look for another miscreant from your gender to spend another lifetime with.

But if you had been with me, maybe it might have been different and I could actually say I love you without drowning my self in my father's bath tub.