PLACE THE TIE AROUND THE NECK

I always thought knotting a tie was something that once you learned, you’d never forget, like riding a bike or how to whistle but apparently it wasn’t at least for me it wasn’t, because the day my dad taught me how to knot a tie, well lets just say it wasn’t the last.

You remember that feeling you get when your mom is helping with your math homework and its not exactly a pleasant activity, learning how to knot a tie with my dad was kinda like that, I never quite understood what he’d explained. It was like his words were to complex for my little seventh grade brain which is why at first I relied on imitation; I did exactly what he had done and for the first few times it was perfect but the next day not so much.

I always thought about my dad as someone who’d never loose his cool, someone who kept the situation under control, he was the calmest person I had come to know, boy was I wrong. That day it was like he had turned into someone else because surely it couldn’t be the same person. Looking back at it now It was super silly of me to think he changed, people don’t change they just get tired of faking it.

Purple was my favorite color, my mom always said it was such a girly and feminine color and that night I had planned to wear my favorite purple princess polly pajamas to bed I loved those pjs because of the character and especially because of the color but when I went to bed I couldn’t help but detest the color purple because my pjs now matched the swollen throbbing bruise on the side of my face.i never wore them again.

CROSS THE WIDE END OVER THE NARROW END

I once over heard my middle school science teacher saying that children need time to learn certain things and that certain activities can be difficult for slow learners, after that I always pegged myself as a slow learner, whatever that meant, I guess I was really just trying to find a word to justify the fact that I was clearly different from other kids, at least that’s what my dad told me.

To this day, id always wondered why my middle school required us to wear a tie, and id always wondered what would have happened to my dad and to me if id never needed to know how to knot a tie, id thought about this all night, I couldn’t sleep because of the pain from the bruise on my face, I was also up all night thinking about how to tell my teachers that id gotten punched in the face by my dad because I didn’t know how to knot a tie.

My mom knotted my tie for me perfectly that morning and a bunch of mornings after that she told me to tell my dad that id did it myself, at the time she was just trying to help I suppose, she didn’t know that she was making everything much worse.

We all used to sneak into our moms room all the time and secretly try out her makeup I know I did, you could imagine how ecstatic id been when she told me I could wear her makeup to school that day, I remember smiling at her except I wasn’t because smiling hurt my bruise, so I just did a tight lip nod instead, that hurt too and it hurt even worse when she applied the concealer and color corrector to hide my bruise. My mom told me makeup is something that helps women look bold and beautiful. I never snuck into my moms room to secretly use her make up again.

 LOOP THE WIDE END UNDERNEATH THE NARROW END

Tenth grade was a good look for me, I had friends and good grades, I never left the house without a smile.

It was raining that day when I woke up I felt funny but it thought nothing off it, after school when I waited for the bus at the stop and could have sworn I saw my dads car drive by, it was going so fast though, my dad would never drive that fast.

When I got home, I couldn’t really see through my blurred eyes what exactly she had written on the letter but I knew she left, I hoped shed come back, silly me I should have known that nothing good lasts forever, not even mothers.

He took the bus back home from the bar that night, but he wasn’t drunk though he couldn’t have been, I heard drunk people often speak with a slur, his voice was loud and clear when he told me that I was the bane of his existence. I guess he wished I had gone with her.

Did you know the smell of alcohol sticks to shag carpets, I didn’t know either because after scrubbing the floorboards and spending the weekend washing the curtains I still couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, my father drank every night though, I guess we both dealt with my mothers departure differently.

I always loved the summer time, it gave me an excuse to wear cute floral feminine sun dresses, but that day I wore a turtle neck because it was supposed to get a bit chilly in the afternoon, that and I had to cover the huge bruise around my neck from when my father showed me how exactly to knot a tie too tight.

At the very Botton of my moms letter she had hastily scribbled a step by step guide on how to knot a tie.

I never wore my favorite sundress again.

PULL THE WIDE END THROUGH THE CENTER

I downloaded tons of YouTube videos and tutorials but I just couldn’t seem to get it right, a part of me realized that something might have actually been wrong with me, this was such an easy task yet I could not seem to do it. Those days my dad made it a point to ask me for my tie every morning, it was almost like he enjoyed watching me suffer, when I couldn’t do it he would beat me, but only in the places that could have been covered by either clothes or makeup, I often wondered if he did that on purpose.

Everyone at school knew about my dad I guess word travels fast in a small town, I always told them I had a fever and couldn’t come to school but at some point, they didn’t believe it anymore, I mean who has a fever 5 times in a row? I started turning into the weird girl, my friends gave me space, I guess that was for the better I mean what could they have done?

Being a twelfth grade loner was more depressing than you would think, people talk, they think you can’t hear them but you can.you have more time to dwell on the imperfections of your life and that has a way of driving someone crazy. As a teenage girl I’ve contemplated suicide way more than I’ve contemplated what to wear. I missed my mother each day more than the last, I wished more than anything for her to come back, most nights I feel like she left because she figured out that something was actually wrong with me. I couldn’t sleep so I got up and styled my long beautiful feminine hair in the mirror and then I chopped it all off. I never styled my hair again.

 LOOP THE WIDE END THROUGH THE KNOT

My college graduation felt like any other day of the year, my father did not show up and I had no friends to congratulate., I could feel myself plummeting deeper and deeper into depression. The days did not fly by, it felt like I wasn’t living life, it was living me. I needed some kind of escape and so I got a job at a local firm as a secretary and I had bought new clothes the previous week, one of which was a blue and pink tie.

The next morning I stared at the tie for an hour and left the house without it, I made up an excuse on how I needed to pick up breakfast and forgot my tie at the dry cleaners. It worked, but for how long?

I was anxious and to relive stress I had one thing, cooking, I loved cooking my mother used to tell me how she ran a restaurant when she was younger, how cooking was a special skill that God gave every woman as a gift and how her love for cooking is what brought her and my father together. I try not to remember the last part.

Regardless, cooking was my safe space, it made me happy and at peace. My father rarely came home and when he did i’d have a scar by the end of the night to show for it. That night I was making a pot of porridge when he came back very angry. I didn’t have a scar this time though, I had red hot peeling skin.

I lay in my bed crying and trying to pick pieces of porridge out of my short hair. I never cooked porridge again.

TIGHTEN THE KNOT.

When I dropped the last box of my belongings in my new home, I felt...calm, not anxious not scared but calm, I always thought I hated living alone, I thought I hated the silence, but I was just used to the sound of empty beer bottles hitting the floor. I remember visiting my dads grave that same day and telling him all about my apartment how it didn’t smell like alcohol and how the couch had no beer staines, id even tell him about my bare arm that had no bruises, and id tell him about how I was happy that he was gone and how I did not miss him. I brought no flowers to his grave, I didn’t get it cleaned and I didn’t feel bad about it.

The next day was my first day in the oil company, I was the new managing executive, as I was getting ready I spotted my pink and blue tie in one of my unpacked boxes and do you know what I did..

I put it on, I placed the tie around my neck, I crossed the ends over each other, I put the wide end under the narrow, I pulled the wide end and looped it through and I tightened the knot. And I did it perfectly, I guess there was nothing wrong with me after all, all of those years I was forced to believe what was not true, I suffered, I cried, I was stripped of the things I love and had the things I hate forced down my throat. But the truth is I wasn’t dumb I wasn’t a slow learner I wasn’t the reason my mother left. Women all around the world are forced to behave a certain way, speak a certain way, walk, talk and act a certain way...I was a woman. I AM a woman, I am not a punching bag, I am not a lab test, I am not a blank page, I am not a silent voice, I am not a sex toy.

I AM A WOMAN, and I can do whatever deem fit, I WILL TELL MY OWN STORY.

And I hate wearing ties.

#WM2024