I woke up with a start.

Feeling something wet trailing down my arm.

I knew what it was. 

It's something I'm familiar with, something that has become constant.

The lips were cold, I was frightened and I wanted to shout, no scream with everything in me telling him to stop, to stop trailing dead kisses on me, but my voice was no where to be found. I can only shudder in fear.

I felt the cold lips on my nipples, and I wondered what kind of monster would seek pleasure from a five years old.

Tears were streaming down my face and still I made no sound, cursing myself for being so weak. I tried pushing him off, scolding myself for sleeping, my bones were too weak, too young to fight off or maybe I just froze.

I wondered where God was, couldn't He see what was happening?

Can't He just tell the animal to get off me?

I wished I had said something the day before, I should have told mama I wanted to go home, I should have told grandma what was happening. Buti couldn't, who would believe me over someone with more knowledge?

Pain laced through my brain as I felt the pinch on my assaulted nippled, wanting to cry out but my voice was stuck inside.

l looked left, I saw my cousins snoring without a care in the world, I reached out to them, I tried to but my hands were too heavy.

The bastard was humping me, my brain urged me to fight but I knew it was useless, so I lied there lifelessly.

Finally, he grunted, stood up and left.

I didn't know if I should cry or not, life slowly returned to my dead limbs, I covered myself with the blanket feeling cold, so cold, I felt too cold.

I closed my eyes and sleep was a welcomed bliss and there was calmness.

I thought keeping quiet will make it all go away.

The hatred, the fear, the pain, the shame,the unfairness, there's an endless list of it.

I became something I'm not, it's just better than being me. The ME I know is angry, depressed, unloving, and bitter, always suspicious of every moving thing.

The nightmares are fears that I dealt with alone, the scary encounters with the monster in my sleep, disturbing my peace of mind, wanting to leave, to shout to break free, but I was restricted, I was helpless.

Not knowing who to tell, not knowing what to say. I threw myself into books, keeping me happy by living a fantasy during the day and making sure the doors are locked at night and sleeping between my cousins at night.

I knew he would come again, but this time it won't be me.

No one knows I know, we were children, young one at that, each of us going through it like it was normal at night and acting all fine during the day.

But unlike the others I had more than one monster, they made me believe it was right, showing me videos.

Fortunately I knew right from wrong, since it didn't feel right I knew it was wrong, still I told no one.

I was affected in many ways, I kept my attention to myself, I lost my confidence, I look no one in the eyes for I was afraid they would see my shame.

How I held it in I know not, I won't say I'm over it but it's safe to say I won, a silent victory it may be but it's mine all the same.

I didn't become one of them.

                             Mercy.