I've told people that I don't lie, or at least I try not to. Some noticed I no longer ‘help’ people during exams like I used to do. Mostly, first impression was that I had become a serious Christian, or, Edward said, that I was born again. Though it is tempting to go with that—as it gives me a higher moral standing—it would be a lie if I do, the very lie I wish to vanquish from myself. 

So, why don't I lie? Or, why do I try not to lie? 

Maybe it is because Truth has become one of the only remaining pillars that lends me order, especially when the pillars of God, the bible and religion couldn’t hold.

I discovered myself deeply one night, or evening, maybe morning, I don't remember. But, I remember the doubt that grew at once, and the questions, and how I searched and searched for the answers that would keep my pillar (of God, religion and the bible) from crashing into pieces. It crashed. Not totally, but it couldn't hold me anymore.

We need a god, something that occupies the top of our hierarchy of values. It could be ‘God’, money, family; it could be anything but something must be there for us to find order in our lives. But my 'God' had crumbled and I couldn't find enough reason to build him back and I was in disarray.

I remember that period: the confusion, the unchained demons, the lack of divine purpose and the amorality that threatened to ensue; everything was going off in my head. I cried, I didn't know what to do, I had lost a good portion of my will.

Then I met Jordan Peterson (not physically, of course). I heard his gospel of Truth: 

The truth is an adventure. The truth sets you free, though it burns off the unworthy part of you. The truth manifests who you are. By faith, the truth leads to the best possible outcome. Speak the truth so you can trust yourself when trouble knocks. The truth is redemptive.

Redemption. I wanted that.

I wouldn't say I understood his message totally, but it struck my spirit in a way no gospel had ever done. It gave me a chance to put my life in order once again, and I took it. I accepted the truth. Then I strove for my words and actions to become the truth. Finally, stability. Though not enough, but at least I could stand. At least, my mind was no more a disarray of unfettered ideas. Now I could breathe, while I continue looking for what remained missing. 

So, when I don't 'help' you in exam hall--which is to lie, in essence--please don't think I hate you, nor that I'm a righteous religious moral person, nor a born again. It is but one of the only things keeping my life in order. It is what keeps me from the hell of purposelessness. It is what is closest to being my god. 

I try to always speak and act the truth. But I do NOT claim that I always speak or act the truth. Also, I can still joke and be sarcastic. Finally, for my sake, pray that I no longer lie, ever again.