The colours swim before your eyes and you think maybe you are a painting after all. A dull and unfortunate painting, but a painting nevertheless. You are almost submerged in a sea of grey, brown, and black before Eddy's voice saves you from drowning.

"Asa, where are you?" His voice, brave, bold, and reassuring calls out.

You close your eyes willing the last effects of the marijuana to wear off. But you know ever perceptive Eddy would know you had lied to him about giving up on the substance. You scramble to your feet, rush to the wall mirror and stare back at your image. Is this really what life has turned me to? You muse. Your long dark hair lies lifelessly on your scalp, and your dark eyes are hazy and unfocused. You look at your arms and can see greenish veins make a map of them.

"Asa, I've been calling you for the past five minutes now", Eddy's voice interrupts your inspection.

You turn to him and sigh in relief when you see Jay and Junior flank either side of him.

"The kids are fine after all", you say in a laughing voice, walking towards Jay, your favorite. His pleasant innocent smile beckons you closer.

"What is this Asa?" Eddy's voice, suppressing rage, stops you again.

"What is what? I have the right to touch my kids. They are mine, you hear? Mine!". You scream at him.

"There are no kids Asa. Not anymore", his voice is tight and filled with pain.

You scoff at him and decide to prove him wrong by grabbing Jay's hand. But the moment you reach out, the children, the sole reason for your existence dissolve into nothing.

"What have you done to them? Eddy, what have you done to my children?" You demand in a shout.

"Asa there was an accident last month, remember?", Eddy says.

"Shut up", you scream. "Just shut up. I don't want to hear your ramblings".

Your hands begin to shake and you realize you need your drug to take you to that place where you're above grief. You reach into your bra and bring out some tablets of ecstasy. Eddy recognizes them fast enough and grabs them from you.

"Leave me alone. Leave me the hell alone. I don't know why I got married to you. It's the single most stupid thing I've ever done".

Something changes in his eyes, and even in your unfocused state, you see the veil of ice cloud his eyes.

"You are losing your mind. Hiding behind drugs will not help your grief. Sooner or later you'll have to face reality", he says in a calm whisper.

"What do you know about grief? You and your scamming whore... ", you begin.

"Hold it there, Asa, don't force my hand", Eddy says wagging his finger in your face.

"Go ahead and do what you want. You've already destroyed me, there's nothing left". You break down and begin to cry. Then laugh suddenly. A dark bitter sound.

*************************************

You wake up hours later to the sounds of children bickering and you smile. The late evening sun casts a gold-crimson glow against the blue walls of your room, and you stretch lazily with a satisfied grin on your face.

"Jay, what is it?" You ask. Your son smiles at you.

"Mommy, Junior said he wants Golden Morn for breakfast now", his sweet childish voice says.

You laugh. "Junior, you can't eat breakfast in the evening. It's called dinner".

"Di...nner", the boys try the words.

"Come here, both of you, mommy has a story about the Lion King", you say in your best Simba voice.

"Yay..", They squeal with delight.

"It's time for dinner, Asa", your mother-in-law's voice interrupts.

"Not now mama, I'm about to tell the kids stories. I'll have to prepare Golden Morn for them later", you reply wearily.

"Not me. I want oats and eggs", Jay interrupts with a frown.

"And oats as well", you add to placate him.

"Asa, what kids? Who are you talking to?", Your Mother-in-law appears at the doorway. A sad look on her face.

"The kids mama. Who else?", you reply half amused.

"There are no kids".

"They are. After five long years of being childless, I proved I'm a woman too." This time you reach for Jay and feel his warm skin beneath your fingers. You touch Junior too and he smiles at you.

"See mama, I'm with my children", you add for good measure.

"Oh Abasi", mama sighs, "have you been using those drugs?"

You sigh in return, "Mama I am very fine. I'm just happy".

"You lost the twins last month in a car accident...", Mama says sadly.

Then it all comes back to you. Your husband's secretary had picked up the twins from school that fateful Wednesday afternoon. You had an interview, and your husband had claimed he was stuck in a crucial business meeting. So he had sent his secretary to pick the children. A truck driver lost control of the brakes and smashed into the Toyota Camry along Murtala Mohammed Highway.

"But mama, my children are here", you let out in confusion. Tears gather in mama's tired eyes.

"Asa, you need help. Come and have dinner first, then we'll discuss". She says.

You look at your four-year-olds, still smiling at you, and you think, how is this not real? I remember the accident, but they survived. Maybe mama and Eddy and the whole world are crazy.

"No, mama. I'll stay here with them. I'll make dinner for us later".

Mama's face looks sad and depressed as she quietly shuts the door.

You hear voices and then Eddy comes in minutes later with a dark, averagely built man.

"Asa", Eddy says softly, "there's someone here to see you. He's a psychiatrist, and..."

"Are you saying I'm mad? Is this a conspiracy to bundle me off to a madhouse, so you and your whore secretary can have a victory party in my house? News flash mister, I'm not moving", you say emphatically.

"Calm down, Mrs. Edem", the doctor begins.

"Don't tell me that. The children and I...", you cut in.

"What children, Asa? They're gone and you need help", Eddy puts in.

You feel their absence and in anger shout at Eddy. "They're gone. Whenever you come around they disappear".

"That's to show they are not real", Eddy continues calmly.

"They are and you are not", you argue

"Then why can't I see them too?", the doctor asks

"It's because there's something wrong with all of you", you throw back at him.

The doctor walks towards you with a syringe in his hand, while Eddy holds you down amidst screeches and struggles, you feel the sharp sting of the needle and descend into pleasant oblivion.

*************************************

"Mommy, wake up", Jay's voice wakes you ten hours later, and you stare blankly at the white hospital walls. Without the deceptive barrier of your drugs, the weight of the past weeks comes crashing on you. But the voices of your children keep you going. Their voice is the only thing that makes you willing to live, and if it is madness, you decide, so be it.