Dear Dahlia,

Today has been a particularly nostalgic day for me. It's like my emotions are on a rollercoaster ride of their own doing. I've laughed, cried and about everything in between. I haven't felt this way in a long time. The last time I felt anything close was when I held my daughter in my hands for the first time.

Speaking of my daughter, she had been pressuring me for a while to take her and her friend to the park, so I finally conceded today. I wasn't prepared enough for the memories watching them together would bring back or how they would make me feel after such a long period of time, but watching them running around, laughing like they had no care in the world almost proved too much for me to handle.

It brought back so many memories of you and I; memories that I had buried somewhere deep down, never to be remembered.

Looking back now, it feels so silly that I had chosen to do that; bury the memories that I had of you, but I had been young and my immature heart had been broken, and the only way I could have coped with never seeing you again was forgetting you ever existed. The pain had been a lot for a young girl whose favorite thing in the world back then was to run around with her best friend, laughing with abandon, untouchable by any wrong that might be going on in the world.

It would be an utter lie to say I haven't thought about you at all over the years, but I'd grown to at some point look back and regard myself as silly to have taken everything to heart the way I'd done. I'd looked back at the young girl and thought her and her small feelings silly. I'd forged and lost so many relationships over time that you became just a speck in my truckload of memories. Life had happened so many different ways after you that I cringed whenever I thought about how I couldn't even stand to hear your name being called in public without tears bursting forth from my eyes. What did I know about loss back then? I was just a child.

I remember it all today though. Somehow the memories of you have always found a way to remain vivid in the haze of memories that I have from my childhood. That should have been my first warning. Maybe then silly 'adult' me would never have disregarded the feelings of the little girl that loved you very much.

I had forgotten how much I loved you. I never really understood how much you'd meant to me, but with the memories coming back to mind, I realize that burying the memories I had of you had also meant burying the biggest parts of my childhood because you were the biggest part of my childhood, my sweet Dahlia.

We'd been so inseparable! I vividly remember all the mischiefs we'd get into. We'd get into trouble with my parents, then you'd look at them with those puppy eyes that never worked when it was me, but had my parents under your spell when it was you, and just like that, we'd shimmied our way out of that one and in a heartbeat, we were off to plot our next mischief.

You'd became caramel because of your obsession with the candy, and naturally, I'd had to name myself sugar to match even though I didn't have any natural affinity towards the substance. But I'd thought myself so smart for coming up with it and you'd agreed with me immediately. You agreed with everything I did back then, even when I'd thought washing your dad's phone and laptop was a good idea. Life was so simple and so beautiful with you.

I would never forget the day mum told me you'd left. Just like that? Without saying goodbye? Mum had said the sickness had taken a toll on you and they'd needed take you somewhere farther away so that you could get better. I understand now that they'd flown you out of the country to seek more specialists, but I'd wish they had brought me with you at least. You'd always told me how you got better quickly whenever you were sick because of me. That hadn't happened, but mum had assured me that we would reunite again soon.

But that never happened either. The last I heard about you was that you were finally recovering. I was always excited to talk to you but mum never let me.

"Later, Fiyin. You can't talk to her now, she's sleeping."

"Fiyin, don't be selfish! You don't understand now, but you'll understand later."

Eventually, my mum had come out with it and broke the news that you and your parents were never coming back and it would be best if I learned to move on without you.

"You're still young, Fiyin. You'll make many more friends."

How could they make that decision for me? For us? I didn't want to forget about you, and I knew you wouldn't want to forget about me either.

Everyday, I would imagine the day you would show up again and we would pick up where we left off, but that never happened either. I eventually began to resent you for it even though I had known you weren't at fault, until I decided that the only decision left was for me to forget about you. It had been so difficult at first, but as time passed, so did my time with you. You faded farther away from me with each passing day.

Turned out my mum had been right. I made new friends, developed new habits that didn't include activities with you, and moved on. Knowing you had changed me though, because I could never enjoy alone the things we used to enjoy together.

(Wow, I didn't even realize that until right now. I guess our bond was way stronger than even I thought).

I came across your profile on Instagram the other day and it was such a shock that I just stared at my phone for the longest time. All those years without you, and then you appeared, just like that.

I'd thought about hitting you up immediately, but I became hesitant the more I thought about it. It occured to me that we'd become strangers. I thought about how I thought about you lesser and lesser with time until you became nothing but a passing thought.

What if it was the same for you and you didn't even remember who I was anymore? I realized that would hurt me more than it should, so I decided to take the coward's way out.

That didn't stop me from stalking your page though, and I eventually came across your husband's profile. The first image I saw was that of you and a very beautiful girl that looked like a replica of you. Seeing you both warmed my heart so greatly, until I read the caption and I saw it was a post of how your beautiful girl was a year older but you weren't there to witness it because you were no longer a part of this world. I went back to your page and realized that your last post was over a year ago.

I could have sworn in that minute that my heart shattered and broke into a thousand pieces. You didn't feel like a stranger anymore, and I realized that you never were. You always have been and always would be one of the best parts of me.

I see her clearly now; the little girl that had been lost and sad because she'd lost her best friend. I understand everything she felt so perfectly now that I'm writing this as an adult version of that girl who is feeling that loss all over again. My heart cries out with so much pain for the little girl and the best friend she was never allowed to have.

I am grateful that you beat that sickness at the time and you were able to live your life to the extent that you did. I wish above all that your daughter grows up to reflect the light that I'm certain you surely possessed; the light that reflects so brightly from the smile that never changed over the years; the smile that I'm now smiling so hard just thinking about.

I also wish I had found you sooner and reconciled with you at least once so that I could at least ask the million questions in my head, mostly about what really happened back then, but I would have to be content with writing this letter that you would never get to read.

I know with time that this ache that I feel knowing you're no longer a part of this world would fade, but I know now that I would never forget about you, and I wanted to say this one last time even if it's only on paper.

Thank you for being the most beautiful part of my childhood. I'll never again forget you.

Love always,

Your sugar,

Fiyin.