Femi was my firsts for a lot of things, I met Femi back when I could barely tell my left from my right in the world of dating. I didn’t even see the appeal, well not until that fateful day. February the fourteenth, a few of us friends gathered around Amara’s bed in our night wears as was custom for JSS2 girls in the presence of hot gist.

And no gist could be hotter than one that was material, and one that had been delivered to our doorstep right after night prep. Pretty pink and perfectly wrapped, a bouquet of flowers over it and a calligraphed name card on top. I didn’t know ‘Amara’ had that many curves in it, the A’s interwoven in reflective ink, it’s a font I’d never seen before.

“God when??” Favor gasped, holding the name card to her chest, earning a few snickers from some of the other girls.

“You want to break Emmanuel’s back?” Kara returned immediately, I could barely swallow, Favor rolled her eyes and placed the name card back in the bouquet. Shade, another thing custom for JSS2 girls in the presence of hot gist.

Then Amara laughed as well. Eyes turned.

“Let me smell the flowers sef.” Amara wasn’t laughing anymore. Favor reached down and lifted the bouquet to her face, but she stopped before she could get it all the way.

“Oh, it’s even plastic sef.” Laughter. From every corner, Favor had avenged herself and Amara wasn’t so sure about opening the box, but I had to see what was inside it.

It was a teddy bear, a teddy bear that would end up getting stolen a few months later, just before vacation. A teddy bear that would give Amara bragging writes for the next few weeks at least. A teddy bear that was probably the reason I saw her and her richer-than-Emmanuel heart throb alone in a classroom with the lights off a few days later. A teddy bear that would be the reason I stay awake contemplating love for the next few hours. A teddy bear that would be around the hands of almost every JSS2 girl within the next few minutes.

A teddy bear that had us all ‘aww‘ing and ‘ahh’ing for the next few seconds.

I thought about love that night, wide awake with my back flat on my bed, looking up to the ceiling but wondering how good it would be to have my own teddy bear, hearing the snickers and giggles passing from one person to another in the down bunk beds below me. I turn to the side to get a view of the sky through the window, but Amara was in my way.

Amara and her big teddy bear.

When Femi told me he liked me a week later, I was more than excited for it. Did I like Femi?

Femi was a tall guy, a lot taller than me at least, and he didn’t look short among the other boys. Femi was cool, he wasn’t shunned by the other guys, fitting in quite well. His voice was very deep and he smiled with all his teeth. Femi’s skin was dark, very dark. Did I like Femi?

Well, did it matter? He liked me, at least he said so, and that was enough for me.

It shouldn’t have been. I should have needed more than that. But when Femi put his hands behind me on the chair and we laughed together, it was enough.

The next time our clique got together after lights out, it was my matter on the table. I had no bouquet or teddy bear yet, but I had a man. And they ate it right up.

“Fiyin you’re wicked oh.” I’m Fiyin, I turn to Sylvia by my side.

“How am I wicked?” I say it with a light tone, but I really do not want to be the butt of any joke, or the object of any hatred. I need my man without drama. So, I wait till the clear.

“I used to like Femi na.” I didn’t know that. Nobody knew that. I start feeling scared, but then when other girls around start laughing and I see Sylvia’s tears are all fake, I realize she’s making a joke, so I ride it, with a sarcastic retort.

“Well as they say, you snooze…”

“You lose!” the other girls chorus before I can finish, followed by a round of laughter. And I laugh as well, so this is love.

The hall mistress comes in a moment later, yelling at us for making a ruckus and we all scurry into our beds, switching the lights off on our way, and pretending we were all asleep. Even though she already knew everyone in our circle.

She leaves a moment later, and a giggle passes from one bed to another, then laughter, then it quieted down.

“How did he ask?” one of the girls asks from below me, they can’t see the blush on my face, but I start talking. I start talking about all of it.

About how he asked to see me after the class, about how we stood by a wall, and I clutched my books tightly against my chest, about how he stepped closer till our faces were just inches apart, then I mimicked his voice the best I could.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” the entire room squealed, causing the hall mistress to come back to rain insults on us a second time, earning another round of giggling right after.

After that day, Femi’s name changed to ‘babe’. That was my first time ever calling someone by a pet name, Femi was my first for many things.

A couple of months into this endeavor, Amara’s boyfriend got her something again. Babe had gotten me nothing at this point. Babe had almost gotten me into trouble when Mr. Martins passed by the room we were, after night prep.

We sat close to each other, I could hear him breathe, I thought it was too close for comfort, but babe said it was natural for us to do this.

When Mr. Martins passed by, his hand was halfway into my shirt, and we talked like it wasn’t happening. My mother always told me not to let anyone in these places, and it had worked as a boy deterrent for a bit.

Femi was the first boy I ever let into my shirt. I shouldn’t have let him, but I did.

His hand ran out of my collar swiftly, and he stopped talking then, we waited in silence for Mr. Martins to pass us by, and then his hand worked softly over my skin again.

Amara never talked about these types of things, but babe said everyone did it, so I never talked about it either.

A couple of months into this endeavor, Amara’s boyfriend got her something, it wasn’t even Valentine’s Day, and it wasn’t her birthday. But the one half of a bracelet went round the finger tips of every girl in the hall, the other half in the boy’s hostel. It looked really beautiful.

But somebody thought, then wondered, then asked, why babe hadn’t gotten me anything. Amara always had the best gifts and stories, so this should be normal for people in relationships.

I said I was sleepy that night.

The next day I talked to babe about it, I told him I wanted something. He didn’t take it well. I was being materialistic, and a gold digger.

Femi was the first boy that ever yelled at me. I should have spoken back, told him I didn’t appreciate it, I shouldn’t have taken that. But I did.

He bought me a bracelet afterward, from a wheelbarrow that passed in front of the school. It was five hundred naira. He got it down to three hundred. I wondered what I was worth. But the rest of the girls didn’t hear this part of the story. Babe was just as good as Amara’s boyfriend.

A couple weeks later, I fiddled with the bracelet after prep, I felt love. Then I realized I was walking the same path that Mr. Martins had walked a few months ago when he almost saw Femi and I seated at the back of the empty class.

I look to the back of the empty class, and I can’t see it clearly but there’s a shadow at the back of the class. Against my better judgement, against my need to keep my relationship alive, but for the loud beating in my heart, for the tears threatening to pour out my eyes, I walk in.

Babe’s face is glued to Sylvia’s, Babe’s hand is in her shirt. Sylvia sees me, and for a second, I see guilt in her eyes, but only a second, she closes her eyes right back, tightly shut as she melted right back into the kiss.

Babe didn’t even turn back.

Femi was the first boy that made me cry. I should have confronted him, I should have confronted her, I shouldn’t have taken that. But I did.

Soon, it was February. February the fourteenth, a few of us friends gathered around Amara’s bed in our night wears as was custom for JSS2 girls in the presence of hot gist.

And no gist could be hotter than one that was material, and one that had been delivered to our doorstep right after night prep. Pretty pink and perfectly wrapped, a bouquet of flowers over it and a calligraphed name card on top. I didn’t know ‘Fiyin’ had that many curves in it, the I’s interwoven in reflective ink, it’s a font I’d seen only once before.

“God when??” Favor gasped, holding the name card to her chest, earning a few snickers from some of the other girls.

Amara smiled at me as I opened the box, it was a teddy bear. It was my teddy bear. And I didn’t want it. It felt like a bride price, it felt like a bridle or slave wage. But the girls around me laughed, completely invested in the ‘love’ I had fallen deep into.

Fallen.

Femi was the first boy that got me a gift. I shouldn’t have taken it. I shouldn’t have taken him, but I did. And many more firsts happened, because I stayed with Femi, I couldn’t leave him. I would later realize that Amara couldn’t leave her ‘babe’ either, Sylvia couldn’t leave mine, Favor would do what I did to get hers.

We shouldn’t, but we will, because at the end of the day, we all want love.