On new beginnings…

There are times when I want to stick to the old and familiar, and times when I just want to flee the old and familiar, as far as I possibly can.

A new beginning is me realising I've outgrown some things and it's time for me to move on.

A new beginning is me running away from some fear instead of facing it head on, in the (sometimes unreasonable) hope that it won't find me again.

A new beginning is me seeking comfort, after realising that nothing is hardly ever what it seems.

A new beginning is me trying to make sense of everything. Trying, yet again, to fix those shattered parts.

Telling myself for what seems like the millionth time that it won't be like this next time. I'll be better next time.

Fresh starts? A clean slate?

Are new beginnings supposed to hurt like this? Am I supposed to feel this lost? It's meant to be NEW so why do I feel like I've been through this, not once, not twice? And if indeed I have been through this before, why subject myself to it again?

Where's that breath of fresh air that was promised?

It's a new beginning, they said. You'll feel better for it, they said. It won't be like last time, they said. They said…, they said…

Why do I still listen to them anyway?

I want that breath of fresh air, I really do.

I want to be strong and just go for it, but I'm so scared. What if I'm disappointed again? What if it's like before? What if I can't do this? What if, what if? So many what ifs.

I WANT

I want that. I want happiness, and confidence, and comfort, and so much more. I want to have that assurance that I'm worthy. I want to feel like I have a place and that I truly belong there. I want to stop being scared. I want to write. I want to tell the world, yes, I am Aisha and I am proud of myself. I want to laugh, the kind of laughter that the authors describe as “coming from deep in your belly and you can feel it everywhere in you”. Yes. That genuine laughter.

There's so much that I want, but will I get it if I don't get over this fear? Okay, I want this. I can do this.

To myself…

These things take time yeah? It may be hard, so hard that you may almost want to turn back to the now dreaded old and familiar. But just on. If you reach out for a comforting hand and you find none, don't despair. Allah will always be there for you.

If you are flooded by the memories of what used to be, envision the much much better things you dream of. If you're scared of being alone, don't worry. You've just not met those that are meant to stay in your life yet. It's not a death sentence, it's the beginning of a wonderful journey, so treat it like you've arrived already. Be careful though, the thorns are prickly, but they won't do lasting damage. Cry if you want to, let it all out. Be brave, my dear Love. Ease will come. Think of then and now. Compare both and let your answer be the motivation you need to go forward. I love

you.

You'll be happy you did this. You'll look back and think, “duh, why was I even scared?”. You'll laugh, the genuine belly laughter you've always wished for.

What's the point?

It's called a new beginning for a reason. It takes courage to leave everything you're used to, to abandon the familiar, to find your place in a new territory. That blind leap takes courage, and that you took that leap is proof of your bravery.

I promise it'll be worth it. Remember all those things you wanted? This is the path leading to them. Remember how disillusioned you were? This is the path to attaining clarity. Remember the disappointments, the anxiety, the feeling that you're a failure. Remember the exact way insignificance feels. Remember the tears, and make these feelings a bridge to cross that puddle, no, that river of tears.

Remember everything, take a deep breath, dump them, move forward and don't look back. Don't!

You did it!!!

Now don't dwell, just focus. Overcome the overwhelming urge to just look back, even if it's drawing you back, tempting you…don't do it.

New beginnings…

I'm taking a walk. The cool evening breeze teases my face and I like it. I'm thinking of a few months ago, and how I was like. I smile and shake my head. I'm happy. Very happy. There are “those days”, but I'll be fine. I know I will be, Bi'idniLlah. I'm glad I took that walk. I'm glad I did this. It really was worth it.