Are you a chronically online underachiever? Well hello and welcome to my tutorial on how-to social media. It’s 2024, if you’re not on social media, then you must either be living under a rock or you must have such a fulfilling life that you don’t care for the whole charade. Chances are it’s the former, because let’s face it if your life is so awesome, then why are you here?

Now when I say social media, I’m mostly talking about twitter & Instagram (would have said threads but only losers use that app, and if that’s you, I’m not sorry). So what’s the big deal about social media? Where else are you allowed to lie and posture and create a false persona on who you are or you’d like to be? I mean, you can literally be anything you want to be in the world on social media; all from the comfort of your 1-bedroom shared apartment with your 6 friends. So why be you?

Let’s get right into it. 

First of all, you NEED to be great at lying. I mean you should have a first class in telling tales and making shit up about who you are. If you’re not, you need to practice a lot. Now “why lying?” you might be asking, and I say why not? 90% of everybody you see or interact with on social media is putting up a persona (Research done by the ISB*) on who they want to be because social media is not the real world. If you want to be honest, then just put your phone down and go outside and touch grass, but as long as you’re online, you need to be a liar and a good one too. Think about it, it’s all about posturing. From your Instagram reels on your lifestyle content made to look like you’re having a blast to your twitter conversations and arguments about the dumbest topics that don’t matter to the average person, it’s all about the posture like a bad chiropractor. I mean even LinkedIn is basically just office people lying and creating a false sense of experience on how they are learning from basic daily activities that we most times either already know or just frankly don’t give a fuck about. When was the last time you went out to the store and had such an epiphany and decided that it would be a great teaching and learning experience? But you see that shit on LinkedIn every day.

Now once you’re done perfecting your lies and tales, the next step is the “pride and ego”. Yes; you need a huge sense of pride, ego and basically nonchalance to make it out in the social media jungle. Your daily activities must come from a sense of “I’m better than you” and you must make others feel it from your posts. Oh you think those recycled dating conversations stem from reality? Have you looked around your reality? Does what you read online match that? Of course no, however in this land of the fake, you need to be better than everyone around you. You may not be earning $500 monthly, but of course you deserve a $200 date because you don’t settle for the bare minimum, even if that bare minimum involves shit you do in real life. You may not own a car, but you must feel offended whenever someone offers you an outing and they don’t make provision for your commute because how dare they? You are the best thing since sliced bread, don’t you dare let any agege bread try to talk to you anyhow.

Finally, and this might be the most important bit, you need to be a hypocrite. Yes you judge people for doing the same shit you do, but you have a justification for why you do it and don’t care to find out their own reasons because it doesn’t matter, they should simply be better. Honest conversations should only be a thing if you’re trying to understand where they are coming from, but it’s social media, who gives a fuck about understanding the opps? Fuck that. They are always wrong and you are always right. And if anybody tries to “this you” you, you should let them know that you’re clearly not the same person and you’ve grown and changed so they should give you grace, but ONLY YOU deserves that grace, nobody else does. I mean even if you go back on your word, who cares, you’re clearly better than them and if anybody tries to talk to you; gaslight, gaslight & gaslight their asses. Multiple truths don’t matter in this fake world we are building, nuance is dead because who cares about the context, they are simply just wrong and should be better.

With these 3 points, if you apply it religiously in building your fake personality, in 3 months you should definitely have enough followers to become an influencer and start raking in the cool influencer gigs and all the monies in the world. Just remember, that when you eventually blow up in the real world, you have to delete all your old pages and posts and start a fresh new life where old things have passed away and all things have become new (no be me talk am, na so e dey Bible).

You’re welcome.