The first was denial.

I told myself I didn't care that she left me. I was free now and I didn't owe anything to anyone anymore. So what if I couldn't see her again without having to wish for the earth to drag me down and cover up itself with me inside, never seeing the sun again because it reminded me of her, of how I saw her ; a light, beautiful, warm and with a smile that could brighten up my whole fucking desolate universe and sad excuse of existence.

Denial

I didn't give a damn about someone who lied about staying only to leave me in the dust, wide eyed and alone.

Anger

What the hell did she think she was? Irreplaceable? What a laugh. And what a waste of my time too. I was mad, beyond pissed, especially at myself. I expected this to happen, to be told all those buttered up fairytale words that gave me butterflies. Should have gotten the hint then. I was so angry. Making up scenarios in my head where I see her and tell her every spiteful word I could think of that would hurt her. I wish I had never met her, never loved her, never kissed her.

I wish...

Bargaining

Okay maybe it was my fault. I mean.. I know I'm a colossally fucked up individual so I must have done something that made her change towards me. Not enough attention? I don't know how to express myself sometimes so maybe she thought I didn't love her enough. I just had to call her, beg her, anything just to have her back. I'll gladly be a fool at her feet just to have her back. Maybe I should have called more even after she said she didn't want me. I just had to know, what could I do to have her back. Anything she wanted, anything.

Depression

It started suddenly with tears that blinded and choked me till I couldn't breathe. I fell to the floor, folded, holding and rocking myself, the cold from the wet bathroom tiles seeping into my bones. I knew it was cold but I couldn't think through it. The most obvious pain was the one in my chest that made me feel like I was dying, like I had something stuck in my chest. I imagined her holding a stake and pushing it in, slowly. Even after I made it to my bed, I couldn't feel any warmer. I honestly felt like the most pathetic person on the planet being unable to sleep or eat or think. All I did was cry and have panic attacks.

Why cry over spilled milk?

Because I loved her. With every inch of my body and soul, with places I didn't know I was capable of having. She was my only escape from the dark world I had found myself in, the only one who was my everything.

Funny thing, I always said to myself "she's too good for me, I don't deserve her".

Apparently, the universe agreed.

I got so close to ending my life and even now, it scares me what loving someone too much could do.

The last one is supposed to be Acceptance . Ha! I'd like to hear someone giving me bullshit talk about moving on. I didn't accept her absence from my life, she was always in my thoughts, unfortunately enough and even the most random acts reminded me of her. I won't say I accepted the pain and moved on, I just got colder and all I could feel afterwards, was emptiness. I couldn't find myself loving anything, anyone.

I think she ruined me.