A lot has happened to shape our experiences this year, I do not know how but even though I'm in debt and still figuring out clearing them before the year ends, a cloud of Gratitude hovers above me in this moment.

I have slipped in and out of rejecting myself this year.

I mean literally wishing to be someone else who had a softer life than what I have come to experience this year, but I wake up after crying and thinking myself to sleep, and realise that this is the life that has chosen me.

For what reason I had this perils I do not know, but then I wonder to myself that if all was good would I reject the thought of being worthy of my present status quo?

I believe I would most likely create a beautiful acceptance of it, while trusting that it keeps being that way.

Reminds me of this words I read once....

...."what greater love hath a man than this, that he laid down his life for his friends?"

I have pondered on it a lot of times, even put myself in the seat of a saviour to feel what the writer of this words preached of the greatness the act of this man called God wrought...

The crown never fits. I wonder what happened in his head till the last minute, when he clearly knew that not every man he claimed to die for will appreciate his decision.

What if he had just called the legion of angels on the night of his betrayal, I've imagined that maybe that would have been it. His oppressors will finally see that he was untouchable.

But what if he had also realised that for the course he chose to thread, the faith he proclaimed, he was doomed for death either ways and so he decided to tie his essence to saving the World?

Okay, but he could have just denounced his name as King of the Jews and maybe he might have not ended in the cave of skulls.

My gratitude is however rooted in the foolishness of his Act.

I learnt to embrace myself tighter in this trying times. To love myself amidst the outcome of my incompetence to create the life I wanted just yet.

That even if I was to see shame and lose face for being unable to take care of my affairs, I rejoice in my ability to be keep being here after this huge run.

But unlike that man, his mental illness for wanting to save all and leave none, I'm selfish and I pick myself up and shower Me, with more love.