My name is Christmas! Funny right? What parent names their child Christmas? Well, mine did. I was born on Christmas day, so, instead of my parents naming me Christy or Christian as many others would do, they decided to cut the chase and named me CHRISTMAS.

I love my name. It’s unique and makes me stand out. When I get called out in public or introduce myself, I get to see the surprise and amazement on people’s faces.

There’s this feeling of rush and thrill every December. For me, it is supposed to be a double celebration, but sometimes it is not usually so. You see, I have struggled with anxiety disorder since age fourteen. It has made me live a life of isolation, not being able to enjoy life as I should. I struggle a lot with unwinding and relaxing. I experience so much worry, restlessness, fatigue, intruding thoughts, breathlessness, and sometimes a lack of concentration.

When I think of going out, I imagine experiencing a panic attack. Then I stayed back. This has become a pattern for as long as I can remember.

Last year, I experienced so much illness and for months, I could not go out. It all started from having blurry vision. I kept going to the hospital for treatment. Suddenly I began to experience bouts of panic attacks accompanied with insomnia. One time, I got rushed to a teaching hospital when it became so serious. From there I was referred to another teaching hospital where my journey with a psychiatrist started.

You see, it is important to have a support system in life, especially when you are going through difficult challenges and moments. I’m most grateful to my mother and some friends who stood by me during my most difficult moments.

I had two psychiatrists. I see them every Monday and Thursday respectively. Talking to them, I got to know more about mental health disorders. One time, after explaining my symptoms to the doctor, I rounded it up with “But I’m not mad o” he laughed loudly and answered “ Christmas, I know you aren’t mad” he told me that due to lack of awareness on mental health in our society, people who struggle with these disorders shy away from speaking out.

I was in and out of hospital from the month of March to early July. Apart from taking my medication, one part of recovery was journaling my thoughts. I would write about the most random things that came to my head. Then I sang a lot too. Of course, I have a lovely voice… chuckles. I sing in the choir. I leveraged that and sang to myself daily. Then finally, I always pray. I did these consistently and began to feel better.

For some, their part in healing and recovery will be different from mine and that is fine.

Due to my struggle with mental health disorders, I was in and out of jobs. I was not consistent with staying on a particular job for long and I also was not consistent with job hunting. Phew! It was mentally draining and physically exhausting.

By the time it was December 2022, I was too exhausted from recovering from anxiety disorder to enjoy my Christmas or birthday to the fullest.

But it did not bother me because I was most grateful for the gift of life and of sound mind again. Getting and feeling sick felt like an endless journey. So, when I feel better, I do not hesitate to be grateful and live in the moment.

That Christmas, I was careful not to be outdoors. I was still very conscious of panic attacks and restlessness. I visited a friend and we spent time indoors watching movies and being quiet most of the day.

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By February, 2023. A friend reached out to me with a job offer. I knew I was healthy enough to take the job so I took it. However, I still battled insomnia sometimes. In less than four months I got promoted. It was a happy moment for me.

Challenges are a part of life, right? My new role came with new challenges. In the first two months, I performed excellently in my new role. After that, it became challenging. Because I could not take criticism well, I began to dread having a meeting with my boss. I avoided conversations with him and gave excuses a lot at work.

“Christmas, have you been okay lately”

“Yes sir” I would reply to him.

But I was not okay. I felt incapable and there was always a voice in my head telling me I was not good enough.

I was always fearful and felt shame for no reason. This made me avoid my colleagues a lot.

“Christmas, you hardly ever answer your phone. Is everything okay these days?”

Hamza asked.

Before that day, he had called me severally after the close of work, probably to inquire about something work-related. I panicked and didn’t answer my phone.

I realized anxiety disorder was setting In again. I needed to do something fast about it. Maybe it was time to visit the hospital. I began to panic about losing my job. Should I quit before I’m fired? What if I’m overreacting? Those were the thoughts that constantly bugged me.

I suffered these thoughts for months until this day I got a message from my boss that we will be having an end-of-the-year party and that everyone should be in attendance. Immediately after I got the message, I called my sister and told her I was too scared to attend an end-of-the-year party with my colleagues. What if it was an avenue for my boss to scold me or express his dissatisfaction with my work in the company?

She assured me that it would not be that way and that I was overthinking things. My heart raced and thought of the worst-case scenario. I had no choice! “Everyone must be in attendance” I repeated the words of my boss.

I set out to Kaduna State that day for the end-of-the-year party. Throughout my journey, I was uneasy. The location was a nice restaurant with an amazing exterior. On getting there a colleague of mine was already waiting. Martha smiled and waved at me. She ushered me to sit next to her. She’s a nice lady with a bubbly personality.

Shortly my boss and my other colleagues arrived. We welcomed one another warmly. My boss thanked everyone for making time to attend the party. He proceeded by talking about the company’s achievements for that year. Encouraged everyone to be better in the year to come and give room for improvement.

I kept waiting for him to scold me but what he said next was shocking to me.

“no more talking about anything related to business or the company. We will eat, drink, play games, and do fun things”

“Hhmmmm” I heaved a sigh of relief.

We ate and discussed in between meals. We played games. One hearty game we played was word guessing. We were divided into two groups. There would be a word with other words to describe that particular word without mentioning the word. Every group member would try and describe the word using signs, gestures, or even words. If the person can get the word, he or she earns a point for the group. We played, laughed, and screamed. Our boss would dance in victory when his group won. I laughed like a child and for the very first time in years, I felt alive again. I didn’t know it would take a simple end-of-the-year party to save me.

Saving Christmas from another bout of anxiety disorder and panic attacks was just in a single moment of being cheerful and carefree. After the party, I kept reliving the moment in my head. That night, I slept like a baby.