My name is Siki, and I am on a mission to capture Santa. I do not want to kidnap him or cause him harm; I know how important he is to all the kids of the world. I just want to ask him two questions: why he has never visited me, the ten-year-old girl that lives in the last house on Adewale Coker Street, and why he always visits MaryAnne. Maybe it is because I am Nigerian, and she lives in England. 

MaryAnne is my British cousin who I met this Easter holiday. She told me all about Santa Claus, the North Pole, the elves, and his reindeers. She told me that every Christmas morning, she gets a wrapped-up box containing the exact thing she asked Santa for and a few of her favourite chocolates. MaryAnne claims that Santa has not visited me because I am on his ‘Naughty list’. MaryAnne is sha the naughtiest girl I know, so I took it with a pinch of salt.

‘Operation Capture Santa’ is eight months in the making. Ever since I learned of his existence, I began my research. I asked my sisters, Tari and Tonye, about Santa Claus. They told me that in Nigeria, we do not have ‘Santa’; we have ‘Father Christmas’. I refuse to believe they are the same person. The ‘Father Christmas’ at the mall collects money before giving presents, and his beard is like Uncle Ose’s lawyer wig. He has a creepy smile, and the presents are never what I want. At school, I asked Teacher Angel about Santa, and she gave me some books. The Santa Claus in those books proved my theory right. He is definitely not Father Christmas!

My Capture Santa mission officially started on 25th May 2014, 214 days before Christmas (I wrote it in my diary). Firstly, I had to get on his nice list, so I became the best girl ever. I did all my chores and assignments early. I washed my socks every day. I brushed my teeth at night. I helped Grandma pick stones from the beans. I shared my toys with Titi (even Mr Snuggles). I did not tease James. For the first time, I won best in English and Mathematics. I advanced to Primary 6 as the best-performing student. I was also best in Primary 6 for the Christmas semester. MaryAnne has never been at the top of her class, so I know I will top her on Santa’s ‘Nice list’ this year. I saved N3750 and will buy Santa’s cookies and milk from it.

I have been very excited all holiday. My plan is sure to succeed, and I cannot stop the giddy feeling creeping up on me. I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge the morning after the ghosts of Christmas visit. I sing along to every Christmas carol and jingle. Daddy caught my Christmas bug and bought a very tiny Christmas tree. It is all to the benefit of my plan. We do not have a chimney for Santa to come in through, but at least we have a tree now. No one knows about my plan, but Tari and Tonye are getting suspicious. They do not like the tree because it means less money on Christmas day. Tari could not care less if I had an ulterior motive, but Tonye was pissed. I heard her muttering last night, “All this for someone that isn’t even real,” as I wrote my letter to Santa.

Today is Christmas Eve, and I am ready. I have crossed my ‘t’s and dotted my ‘i’s. I bought Maryland Double Choc Chip cookies (my favourite) and a 500ml pack of Hollandia Sweetened Yogurt. I could not afford to buy milk because it was too expensive. Besides, yoghurt is sweeter than milk and only the best for Santa. Fortunately, Mummy and Daddy are attending the Christmas vigil service and will not return until 2 AM. This gives me enough time to set up, catch Santa, interrogate him, forgive him and collect my presents. All week, I have been practising staying up late. It has not been easy; I wonder how Tari does it. Maybe it gets easier when you are 17.

I washed the cup that I received from MaryAnne’s mum. It has a picture of Sven from Frozen. I picked it because he is a reindeer, and Santa has nine reindeers. Maybe after tonight, Santa will adopt Sven. I hid the yoghurt in the freezer after dinner so it would be chilled. Mummy and Daddy are leaving around 9 PM for church, so Tari is in charge. Tari announced bedtime for 10:30 PM instead of 10 PM, so I could finish the Christmas special episodes of my favourite shows (this is why she is my favourite sister). I plan to sneak out by 11:45 PM, arrange his snack and wait by the foot of the stairs until he comes. In less than 3 hours, I will capture Santa Claus.

* * *

The sound of the front door being locked woke me up. What time is it? Wait, Santa has our house key? I could hear his footsteps, followed by something squeaky. He sighed as he sat on Daddy’s favourite chair, the one closest to the tree. Hehe, I was smart to put the cookies and yoghurt there. After a few bites, I will catch him. I moved to the curtained entrance of the living room, taking a quick peek. Santa had his back to me, a glass of yoghurt in one hand, a cookie in another. He had his hat on, and it looked like he had brought a —

“Tamunosiki Kariara Adesuwa Pepple! What are you doing here?!” Tari screeched from the top of the stairs, turning on the lights. Tonye was behind her with a look of contempt. Ugh, she definitely ratted me out. Someone began to cough profusely. My sisters jumped with fear and ran down the stairs. 

“Who is in the parlour?” whispered Tonye, gripping me tightly. Tari carried Daddy’s golf club from under the stairs.

“Everyone, calm down. It’s just Santa, and I think we scared him,” I replied. The coughing continued. Is he choking? Ah, Santa can’t die in my house!

Tari looked perplexed, “Let’s go.” Armed with the golf club, she took the lead. She signalled us to wait and entered the parlour. She turned on the lights, and from the curtains, I could see her silhouette rush to Santa’s side and pat his back. “You guys should come in.”

This is the moment I have been waiting for. I cannot believe Santa is in my house. He even used the front door! Take that, MaryAnne! After 8 months, I am going to meet San — “Daddy?!”

* * *

I woke up by 10 AM on Christmas morning. After brushing my teeth, I wrote in my diary: ‘Operation Capture Santa complete’. I feel really weird and confused. Am I upset? Not really. I just feel weird. 

My family was already up, setting the table for breakfast. Everyone had yam and eggs, but my plate was filled with pancakes and Aunt Jemima syrup. After breakfast, Daddy gave us our presents. Tari got a new BlackBerry Bold 2, Tonye got a Percy Jackson book set, and I got a bicycle.

Later, I sat on my bed with my dairy and reflected on last night. It turns out that my dad is not Santa, and Santa is not real. Mummy saw my letter, and they decided to get me a few items from the list: a bicycle, chocolates and pancakes on Christmas morning. Daddy had to leave church earlier to pick up the bike from Uncle Ose’s. He was surprised to see the cookies and yoghurt (he thought we forgot it there) and was more surprised when we made a ruckus (he choked on a cookie). He calmly explained the truth about Santa Claus.

Well, in the end, my operation was successful. I did catch Santa Claus. I found out why he never visited, and I received the best present ever. I cannot wait to ride it later today. And boy, do I have news for MaryAnne when she comes this Easter!