Author Note: This post was originally written sometime in early 2021. Some parts still ring true for me while others have changed but one thing is sure, you were meant to read this🩵

Hi there.

Several things are on my mind to write about. So much has happened. One thing stands out for me though and that is friendship. I have been fortunate enough to have people in my corner who have held me together when hell was breaking loose. People who have texted, called, cried and held me through some of the most fucked up times of my life.

Like horses on a carousel, friends have come and gone, whirled round, returned, left again, returned. Some have stayed constantly, even when they leave because life happened to them, they have stayed.

For each kind of friend, I am thankful.

I am learning that contrary to what I thought, it is not easy for me to let people close enough to see the raw side of me that jokes, laughter, filters and memes conceal. Basically, vulnerability is difficult for me, frightening even. I am also learning that perhaps I am not as emotionally stable as I think.

It is messy work digging in and finding that you are not who you think you are. It is disgusting and ugly, like cleaning a wound full of pus. But the upside is that it gives room for healing.

And my darlings, healing is hard. It is painful and it is unpredictable. One moment, you’re alright, the next you are spiralling.

Still, in the midst of the chaos it brings, healing saves. It helps you make sense of the patterns and shows you the method in the madness.

You start to understand, why for instance, you make a mess of your lovers, why your heart hurts so much even when you are happy, why you keep searching for home/peace in all the wrong places.

There is a quote that goes something like : ‘’I am broken in all the places the light cannot reach to fix”.

The first time I heard it, my mind went quiet…I felt seen, heard and understood. Yet I also felt incredibly sad.

To be broken in that manner is to live a life where survival is often a less tempting choice.

You find yourself not caring if you make it or not. Self-destruction becomes a thing you wrap your body around and don’t let go. Till you wake up one morning, and write your goodbye note. But you do not go through with it, because you are too tired or too cowardly to go through with it. And the cycle starts all over again.

It gets better though, I won’t lie. There are good days, really good days. Your laugh is genuine, you feel the love while you banter in the groupchat with friends, you feel the lightness of joy when you talk to your lover/person of interest.

Life is Good. Joy is not a mirage. Peace is right in you. Days like these are so beautiful it makes me ache, not just from the beauty but because I know the bad days are never too far away.

I will not speak of the bad days but I will say this; collect the good days like infinity stones, store them safe, they will save you more days than they won’t.

To end this, let me share something i wrote during a good day;

Now that I have scratched and cried my way to the sun, its rays are so bright I almost wish for the comfort of dark but the sun is warm and the dark was so cold, and I think my body, my soul, my heart and my mind like the warmth better…yes I think they do.