I don’t even have time to miss him, or want to be around him like all this book pick mes make it seem.

At times, I don’t remember him until i feel the weight on my finger.

Good weight.

I’m too busy trying to make the world out of prison i put myself in.

I feel a ding in my pocket, that would probably be my friend asking why we don’t have kids yet or my mother-in-law asking why we don’t have kids yet in slightly different tones.

Or that could be one of these wierd men who got my number thinking that i would cheat on my husband.

I hope he isn’t cheating on me either but you can never be too sure with Nigerian men.

Even though i spent all day helping expecting mothers bring lives into this world, i could not see myself doing such.

The same way i could never have predicted having cervical cancer, seeing how i could never just take my clothes off and allow that discomfort of a speculum.

But my friends and mother in law didn’t need to know this.

Only he knew. And he knew damn well because he cared damn well or that’s what my chemotherapied brain thinks.

A traditional woman’s thinking crossed my mind and I squeezed my eyes shut when i thought about how i left him to take care of himself but that was a two seconds thought.

I’m his wife not his maid.

But what if he’s cheating on me with the maid??

Fire the maid. I type in my planner as i walk towards my car.

Life with him was great, It was like marrying your best friend. That feeling of home. He was my comfortable, non pretense, non misogynist, lean on me home.

I knew i could rely on him that’s why i said “ Sure i guess” when he casually suggested we marry to put an end to marriage pressures.

I told him all my strong points i could remember. Right there and then.

“I hate to cook. I can’t cook”

“I don’t care and we can afford a maid”

“You’re Moslem, my mom wouldn’t agree”

“I can pretend to be Christian, after the wedding we can attend different religious centers”

I should have let them use that goddamn speculum on me when i was 17. Maybe i was too ashamed to put it out there that my hymen was non existent.

Now my life with him is extinct.

I see nothing as i turn the key.

My last thought was: Amadi was over cleaning his room at some point, so he was cheating on me.