Rewards 

I grew up indoctrinated into a system of service for reward. My African mother would often tell me from a young age “Nothing in this life is free oh! You must work to get anything in this life.” I would think of those that had nothing to offer, and resort to a parochial conclusion that they deserved nothing in return. My heart hardened as the years went by, especially as a successful business owner. I had no sympathy whatsoever and I would often repeat my indelible mantra to my employees: “Absolutely nothing in life is free. You must work to get anything in life.” I would get a litany of complaints of my attitude but I had not a care in the world because this ideology was the bedrock of my existential success in life.

Beyond my obvious success, I was conspicuously unhappy yet too arrogant to admit this to any man because I knew no reward from man could suffice this inescapable void within me. 

Tossing and turning on my bed one cold night I was overwhelmed with sadness and rage. I began to hyperventilate furiously, throwing everything in sight. 

“Why am I like this? What is this cloud of sadness that trails me like a shadow?” I shouted to no one in particular. I got the cold response of the echoes in my room. 

The next day, I called my mum. Without a greeting, I asked “Mama why did you make me like this? I did everything you asked me to do and became more than what you wanted me to be. I did everything right so what is this pit of darkness I feel?” My mother's voice began to break as she spoke “Nwam, biko (my child, please). Nwam, biko” she continued to repeat with her voice breaking with every word. Tears filled my eyes and I immediately cut the call. She had no right to cry I thought to myself. “I’m the victim, I’m the victim,” I repeated and curled up in a ball on my bed. I was broken and nothing could fix me. 

I worked harder to feel joy but got none. This was the loophole in the world’s reward system. There had to be more to life than the tangible goods it had to offer. Where to find this “more” I had not a clue.

A week after, I started having strange dreams where I saw a man in white. He didn’t speak but there was something remarkable about him. He had a furious beauty that set him apart. Royal splendor radiated from him. This strange man was magnificent. 

After 3 nights, I mustered the courage to ask “Who are you?”

He spoke graciously but with an authority that made my knees grow weak

“ I AM THE ANCIENT OF DAYS, THE ONE WHO WAS AND IS TO COME, I AM THE GOD OF ABRAHAM, ISAAC, AND JACOB. I AM THE IAM THAT I AM.”

I woke up immediately after sweating and trembling. I ran to the bathroom to wash my face then I began to weep. 

Sitting on the toilet floor I replayed this encounter over and over again to be sure it was not a figment of my imagination. It couldn’t be my imagination I thought, I had never heard of an “I AM THAT I AM” before. I called my mother immediately, and she picked up with a croaky voice “Nwam why would you call me at this ungodly hour-“  I cut her off and asked, “Mama who is THE I AM THAT I AM?” She sensed the urgency and desperation in my voice. She replied confidently “His name is Jesus.”

We spoke for about an hour, she told me all about this Jesus who died for the sins of this word and was resurrected so we may live a new life through his victory over death. She also said believing in Him would wipe away completely my old life and allow me to have a whole clean slate. Without hesitation, I gave my life to Christ that night. 

I felt a peace I had never felt all my life enveloping me as a new Christian even my employees noticed a change in me. I even began to tell them of this Jesus that saved my soul. I started to go to church, pray and watch sermons. It became my goal to do everything possible to keep this peace within me. 

After a month, I started to feel the void creeping back, I stopped seeing Jesus in my dreams. I was beyond frantic with worry, I was distraught at the thought of loosing Jesus. As a result, I increased the amount of time and money I gave to the church by twofold because I knew if I lost Jesus, I would die. 

A month passed and I was still not satisfied. That faithful night I went down on my knees and cried to Jesus “ why have you forsaken me? What more do I need to do to keep your blissful presence? I have finally found my stroke of serendipity. Tell me what I need to do and I will do it!”

I heard the voice of God very clearly 

“For by grace, you have been saved by faith. Nothing you did could ever earn this salvation, for it was the love gift from God that brought you to me! For your  salvation is never a reward for your good works.”

‭‭”what do you mean Lord, I don't understand.”  I replied.

“My child the grace that I give, you can neither work for it or earn it. It's a freely given gift as a result of my never-ending love for you. Many misunderstand this love and do everything possible to earn what is already theirs.“ He continued,

“Many seek me because of the blessings that I give yet have no light within them. They do this because they lack understanding. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose His soul? When you have me, you have everything; love, joy, peace, grace, and blessings beyond man’s comprehension. All the rewards of this world is nothing compared to the gift of a relationship with me. That's why my word says “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Open up your heart and allow the entrance of my light to flood you from the inside out. I love you, my child.”

I had not realized I had tear stained cheeks already. I began to ask for mercy and declare my love to the one who saved my soul. Sitting in the pool of my tears with a heart heavy with joy and putrid bitterness I looked to the heavens to where my help came from. Only then did I realize the eternal and ultimate reward I sought was not what I could get from Him? It was beyond this world’s corrupt system. My reward is Him, Jesus! With Him I dwell in an eternity of rewards.

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