I want to be desired, to be wanted, to be desired. I want, I want, I want. The want has morphed into a need, a desperate desire that claws at my chest every time I breathe. I can’t live on like this. If I am desired I can feel whole, I can be whole and function, function as a normal individual.

If I can function then I’ll find someone who wants me, maybe just maybe I’ll be desired. I can’t exist if I have no purpose, no place, no person. I need a person so prove myself as capable, only a capable person has a place as cog in the machine. If not the machine has no use for you. 

I’ve tried being useful despite not being wanted, desperately perusing the instructions, but I read the instructions and they make no sense to me. I lack whatever is expected of me and stick out like a sore thumb. I will never be wanted, desired or of any use. I have no place here, ignored so when I leave its without a trace. Forgotten but it’s not a choice I made. My attempts to leave a mark are cruelly ignored as they choose not to see me.

My self loathing clouds my thoughts like a murky polluted cloud, it spreads through my bloodstream, it seeps out of my pores. It has blackened my soul. I bite my tongue to taste my blood and it’s acrid and acidic, bitter my body has become inhospitable for my darkened spirit.

My fate is that of continuous ruin. 

I spit it out, the venom burns and melts all that it comes in contact with, so they stay away. A monster of my own making, I deserve to be alone.

It’s natural selection, I’m as good as dead born into a body like this, zombie like with the black viscous pooling around my feet, keeping everything else away from it. That’s for the best for I am far too disgusting to look at, too far gone from humanity to be touched.

But You!

You wanted to touch me, wiping the muck off my tearful cheeks as you accepted me with eyes full of an unfamiliar warmth, I happily fell into your willing arms. Someone who desired me.

And it was as if the world shifted the day we met, for the both of us. You who never thought you would love again and me who never thought was capable of being loved falling into place like the proper puzzle pieces, lucky we had found each other. 

Love is a beautiful thing, and I believe we feel it for each other, you tell me this all the time, affirming me and and keeping me afloat, light on my feet it’s like walking on air. You tell me you love me and it’s the most glorious sound in the world, it hits my ears pleasantly sugary and sweet. Cleansing the darkness within me.

I am now palatable, sugary sweet confident and more sure, the self doubt has been gently scrubbed away leaving my smooth skin bare  and vulnerable, for you. And for the machine, I try my luck once more for a place as a cog.

Palatable and sugary sweet the machine accepts me now with warm welcoming arms. I am wanted, needed, worth something now. Because I’m with you. It’s all because of you. I owe it all to you.

Your touch is sugar sweet, sticky and soft but sometimes it leaves me with a bitter aftertaste. Sometimes it feels like it’s all I’m left with is the rot in my teeth, it melts on my tongue and poisons my blood stream, I let it consume me because it’s a part of you and I want as much as I can get, as much as you will give me. I ignore the dread that creeps over me each time I see you now, dreading the aftertaste, dreading the rot, but I swallow it each time because maybe that’s what love is supposed to taste like, maybe that’s what love does to the body and this, this is definitely love. 

And I have so much love to give in return, sticky, sweet and soft. But you want more, greed transforms into someone else, a figure I can’t recognize, you hold me but it isn’t warm, you hold me until you draw blood. Desperately grabbing onto whatever you can in a way that is almost violent… it is violent, how you cling onto to my body with a look in your eyes that shows you don’t really see me… you perceive only my body.

This person you become is who you leave as, maybe this was who you had been all along… or maybe I’m overthinking it, you are passionate, you love my body and touching me and holding me. Because you love me, because you accepted me I have to love you back, love you the way you want me to.

I have to remind myself, your love is sugary sweet and soft to touch, even when you leave me broken and bruised on the floor. In your desperation you hurt me, wild enough to break skin, cruel enough to draw blood. You handle me in a way that is so callous, extremely careless, you don’t hold me like a lover would. But I try to remind myself each time, the person you used to be, the person you truly are inside… sugar sweet and soft to touch.

If I believe hard enough I can forget, forget the pulsating gash on my arms, on my back, ignore the wind as it stings the bruise in my eye. It would be miserable if I was in pain but I’m not… we are happy and in love. 

I look at my reflection, and an unrecognizable figure faces me, my fears  that exist only in the back  my mind are suddenly pushed forward, with the cruel lust that exists within you, you have hurt me. Plagued and completely consumed by your want. Maybe I should have said something sooner, before it began to infect me too… 

I can’t blame anyone but myself. I let you do this to me it’s my fault you became this way. I watched with a voyeuristic delight as I let you rot into a version of you that is eerily different. I bite myself one last time before I completely submit myself to this version of you but my teeth are unable to break skin, my skin is hard and smooth.

And I taste like nothing.