I still wish we could have been friends. There's a tightening in my lungs and an ache somewhere in my chest whenever I think back on the pictures I had painted in a particular crevice of my brain. In hindsight, perhaps I subconsciously made do with what I had because I knew I wouldn't have it for long.

I hate that you left me. I wish you had stayed with me on those cold, lonely nights when the world felt emptier with every tick of the clock. I wish you had held my hand and allowed me vent through you since I couldn't vent to you. In this moment, it feels like you came running back to me and simultaneously, like you can't wait to leave. I still hate that you left me and I wish you had stayed.

And to you, you're still my favorite lost love. No matter how much farther apart we drift, there's still a thread that links our realities somewhere in the universe. Perhaps, I'm holding on too tightly and you barely think of me anymore. Perhaps, it is why holding on feels like ease; it's no longer a tug of war of emotions and all of that silly sentimental stuff people talk about. On random days, I think of you and miss you dearly. In the words of many, I miss you so much it hurts.

Like artifacts at a museum, I had been on display. Easy on the eyes. Ah, just perfect. To that random stranger I gave those tiny but heavy pieces of myself to, forgiveness doesn't come so easy and I'll continue to berate myself for betraying me.

To the next thing I'll lose, I've played so many puzzling games and I have failed more often than not. I have mastered what it's like to lose a part of myself in these mind games the world sets me up for. I would love to say I'll be fine with losing another good thing and that I think more good things will come my way. But for tonight, I'll love that the universe gives me the room to mourn impending loss.

To the one I almost had, I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I pushed that tangled ball of mismatched yarns of a ledge. I still ask myself what difference it makes anyways, it still feels like I once did. It still feels like something had slipped away somehow.

Over the course of time, the things I've lost have stayed with me longer than discoveries of the world's wonders have.

12:00am

6th October, 2023