Dearest Wormwood, 

It pleases me to know that your newest patient is a Nigerian. Humans would call this “a piece of cake”. There is a very simple plan on how to string Nigerians along. Listen to me. Nigeria is a very religious country. Don’t fret. This shouldn’t scare you; it should emboldened you. The strategy here is to conflate, and confuse. Follow me.

If your patient is an intellectual buff, try the Intellectual Denial Method. It is a common knowledge that white people think they are superior to other races. And those who always take this too personal are black people. The reasons are obvious — racism, slavery etc. 

You have to make your patient understand that The Enemy is simply white supremacy in its unalloyed form, because when they arrived on Nigeria’s shores over a century ago they called Nigerians’ traditional gods evil, and their own gods good. What better way for a white man to inflate his ego than through showing you how much you don’t measure up. You must capitalize on this. An intellectual buff will swallow this hook, line and sinker because it is esoteric — not many black people are privy to this wisdom.

If your patient is an average Nigerian, try the less subtle method: Non-verbal Irreligion. Religion in its purest form is personal. In Nigeria, religion is more or less performative. To your patient it has to remain this way. Or better still fine-tune it a little; let him see it as a perfunctory activity. It has to be a dumb, mindless routine. You know, like how humans wake up, brush their teeth, use the toilet and have their bath. No deep thought to it. Just a regular routine. You are a step away from losing your patient if religion becomes personal to them. The Enemy knows how to use this wickedly to His advantage. Never give Him that opportunity.

You will dearly pay for letting your last patient slip away carelessly. Do not for once think that your mistakes will go unpunished. Even humans believe that actions have consequences.

Tell me more about your patient. What tribe is your patient from? What are their interests? Knowing these will help me guide you better.

Your affectionate uncle