Chapter one: The Boat Ride

March 18

We set out to sea. It must have been a big lake because we had trouble stirring the boat. He told me He wanted to tell me something and I was anxious to know. He was a fisherman his boat smelt like it yet it seemed what He was about to say was serious so I didn’t mind the smell.

He was quite through the beginning of the ride He didn’t look at me but concentrated only on the waters. I looked to see what was so magnificent about it only to find myself looking at an algae green reflection of myself. He heard the storm before me but as I turned to face the grey clouds He held my hands cautioning me not to turn.

I was scared and shook my head. I turned and faced them.

I was looking at the eyes of a monster who in turn smiled at me.

It’s face was made with dark clouds and as it laughed smoke erupted. Its eyes were of. lightning and laughter of thunder and its nose roared with rain.

I turned back to face Him but He was not there. Our boat was broken in two. He said to trust Him and come but fears clouded my eyes. I blinked.

The storm stopped. In its place was a freezing wind. The sea was no more and in its place a video of all my past memories.

I saw all the things I had done from my young youth of ignorance to my very end. Shame clawed its way through my veins I felt myself turn white. I looked up and found Him looking too.

He was not angry with me nor ashamed He said to come again. My heart was beating hard. How could He possibly want me back after all I had done He had seen it yet He wanted me back ?

Doubt was like hydrogen gas and a glowing splinter to my mind rekindling it’s way through me. I wanted so badly to go to Him and feel the love and warmth his presence brought yet I couldn’t.

I focused my mind back to the days that I learned of him, three times a week. The days when I imagined myself always in his arms, protected, safe, happy. Dreams all dreams.

He called to come again this time louder. I had made up my mind. I walked forward each step with a deep breath of reassurance. I made my way halfway through when a wooden plank appeared. It was the last lap to His awaiting arms. I walked carefully on the plank but before I could step before Him a large shark swallowed the remaining plank. I was terrified once again. He smiled as He walked up to the shark and patted its head. And the shark smiled. A real smile. It opened its mouth and He removed the plank and fixed it back on my path.

He called to come that my journey was almost over.

Happiness left and in its place Guilt stung accusing me of even loving Him when I had wronged Him in all ways. It nagged in my ear and told me I do not deserve Him. And I knew I didn’t.

Tears stung. Like a mother bee protecting her own.

Then He started getting smaller. No I was going far from Him. He was frowning. I hated to see Him frown. But my legs went on faster and faster till darkness appeared. Voices of the troubled too. Echoes and laughters of the evil and rich. Voices of the past all blurred in my ear.

I turned around. He said something. Three words. Pain and sorrow gripped me as I became one with the echoes and voices the laughter and the cries. What had he said to me ? Oh yes I remember three words so scared to me and I knew this would not be the end.