December, 2017

The harmattan that season was quite dry. We were low on money but someone that mummy helped, called her into his warehouse and told her to pick anything she wanted, so I knew we wouldn’t starve that Christmas. Someone else had bought something huge from daddy, so for the first time since the recession hit, we didn’t feel like peasants.

Due to my pushing, my mom agreed to make puff puff for Christmas, so I felt like God was still with us. Till I felt He wasn’t. We had been mixing the dough, that evening, in peace and joy, though I was conscious because I felt my mother’s eyes. Then she broke the silence, “Nana, are you pregnant?”

I felt my heart drop and I put up my best front and said with a bright smile on my face, “Of course not, did you impregnate me?” She looked at me with hard eyes and said “Your breasts are swollen and you’ve added too much weight. Your tummy looks like a python swallowed a ball” My heart started beating wildly, I didn’t know what to say. She has confirmed the fear, I’ve carried in my heart for months now. I just laughed to her face and told her to stop being paranoid. She didn’t speak on it again but I was restless. I felt bile in my throat and heat in my chest. Finally we finished and I excused myself and went to bed.

The next morning, while the Sun was struggling to wake, my mother woke me up from sleep and told me to get dressed. I wouldn’t have thought about it, but she had a crazed look in her eye and the bile came up again. We drove peacefully and she played the “Boney M” disk, singing the carols off tune. I was in a daze and didn’t realized the car had stop till she asked me to come down. Our surroundings were unfamiliar but I turned and saw the huge sign, informing commuters of the presence of the maternity clinic hidden under the orange trees. The rhythm of my heart beat was equal to that of a drum. My mother demanded they did both blood and urine tests and if possible, they should do an ultrasound. The attendant asked for my age and I choked out “15” from my throat. I prayed like never before but I knew what the result will be. The scream that came out from my mother’s throat sounded like a strangled hyena. She fell on the floor, crying and the attendant had to take me inside the consulting room, in case, my mom got violent.

“Nancy, you’re 4 months pregnant!?” The words hit me like she slapped my face. I started crying and she yelled at me to shut up. “How did I let this happen? How blind was I? Pregnancy is written all over you! How didn’t I see it? Abasi mi mbok, nö mi ufen!” I watched the dramatics in silent shock. The attendant had to step in “My madam is a very understanding woman. She’ll know how to take care of these things. Mbok don’t cry. Now is a time for action” He said soothingly, removing his phone to call the owner of the clinic. I zoned out. The knowledge of having a child, my child, forming inside me felt surreal. I ignored the commotion around me, wondering if it was a boy or a girl, if my religious parents would make me keep the baby or put their social status first and have it terminated. I wondered if my friends would still accept me or if I would have to go hide in the village till I give birth. My head was so full, it felt like it would explode.

Next I knew, we were on our way to the Doctor’s house, to see what could be done. My mother called me all the names she could think of. “Stupid whore” “Akpara ishie” “Dirty animal” “Instead of thinking about UTME, you were sleeping around” “Tainted fool” I didn’t blame her. I mean if your child that you use as a good example to others, goes astray, you too would freak out right? She kept rambling about how my friends have probably introduced me to prostitution and how she’s going to send me to the village.

“Mummy, I was raped”

We were awaiting the traffic light so she turned and looked at me with horror in her eyes. How the words escaped my lips, I do not know but saying it, reduced the burden in my chest.

We got to the doctor’s office and when she asked how I got pregnant, I repeated the words but my mother hissed loudly. “Since you were a child, you’ve been whoring around and now the consequences have caught up to you, you want to pin it on rape? I curse the day I gave birth to you. I wish you died in my womb” Turns out the ringing in my ear wasn’t as loud as I thought because I was somehow able to hear the doctor’s words, “Madam, don’t fret. We’ll get rid of it and your lives will return back to normal”

But she lied. They got rid of my baby but my life never returned to normal. It never did.